Sabtu

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Saturday is supposed to be fun and the most awaited day of the week. Tapi semua berubah sejak negara api menyerang. Some time months before, gue anxious ketika Sabtu datang. Beda dengan orang-orang yang baru anxious menjelang Senin, dulu gue selalu seneng menjelang Senin karena berarti kerja lagi, Lalu, apa yang gue lakukan untuk membuat Sabtu kembali menyenangkan? Setelah berhasil mengumpulkan energi, Sabtu pertama gue menuruni air terjun. Apakah ini kegilaan atau memang gue sedang membutuhkan distraksi, tapi eksplorasi pertama ini seakan membangunkan gue dari koma panjang bertahun-tahun. Berhari-hari merasakan chest pain, gue kira, umur berhasil mengalahkan kesehatan gue dan mungkin gue juga punya penyakit jantung seperti mama? Pun ketika dibawa menuruni air terjun, nyeri di dada tidak terasa. Memang sudah lama gue curiga itu hanyalah psikosomatik. Efek di badan karena pikiran. Lantas ketika dibawa bertualang, rasa sakit itu justru hilang. Sayangnya efek adrenalin sirna beberapa hari
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Breakup Withdrawal

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"Love is addictive. Lovers fail to aware that they've become a junkie. Sometimes it never the person, it was the chemistry in your brain telling your body to crave for your partner. That's when you need a fix."

I still wake up at odd times. Only for different reasons. Lately, it because of the significant other. How my sleep is occupied with bizarre dreams about us. The fight, the romance, the way he used to look at me as if I was his sole purpose in life. Haven't eaten or sleep properly takes a toll on my health, both physically and mentally. I was afraid I might get a heart attack.

Just now, I got a series of dreams of him hurting me. Telling all his friends that I was crazy. That I'm the one who was using him. That I'm possessive and demanding. Four or five dreams in a row and I wake up to a word: withdrawal.

Several posts before, I wrote about how love is chemistry more than a feeling. It's all happening in our brain. It's exactly like drug withdrawal, located in the same part of the brain. The part that gives us senses of leisure, satisfaction, and achievement. Or so I read since I never taste any kind of drugs.

Still with the question 'was I ever loved by you?' because nothing changes in his life. He still got it as before. While I was, some kind of a mess.

It only a matter of time. I know it very well. Time doesn't heal, our body was getting used to it, and stop making a fuss about the symptoms. Until that happens, I need to take good care of myself. Because no one will. Especially the one person who only (unintentionally) take but give back so little.

Maybe, he never loves me. It was just convenient for him until I'm not. Maybe it was not anyone's fault. Still, I was sorry I can't make him happy. How can I, I don't know what or how happiness is.

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