Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Breakup Withdrawal

"Love is addictive. Lovers fail to aware that they've become a junkie. Sometimes it never the person, it was the chemistry in your brain telling your body to crave for your partner. That's when you need a fix."

I still wake up at odd times. Only for different reasons. Lately, it because of the significant other. How my sleep is occupied with bizarre dreams about us. The fight, the romance, the way he used to look at me as if I was his sole purpose in life. Haven't eaten or sleep properly takes a toll on my health, both physically and mentally. I was afraid I might get a heart attack.

Just now, I got a series of dreams of him hurting me. Telling all his friends that I was crazy. That I'm the one who was using him. That I'm possessive and demanding. Four or five dreams in a row and I wake up to a word: withdrawal.

Several posts before, I wrote about how love is chemistry more than a feeling. It's all happening in our brain. It's exactly like drug withdrawal, located in the same part of the brain. The part that gives us senses of leisure, satisfaction, and achievement. Or so I read since I never taste any kind of drugs.

Still with the question 'was I ever loved by you?' because nothing changes in his life. He still got it as before. While I was, some kind of a mess.

It only a matter of time. I know it very well. Time doesn't heal, our body was getting used to it, and stop making a fuss about the symptoms. Until that happens, I need to take good care of myself. Because no one will. Especially the one person who only (unintentionally) take but give back so little.

Maybe, he never loves me. It was just convenient for him until I'm not. Maybe it was not anyone's fault. Still, I was sorry I can't make him happy. How can I, I don't know what or how happiness is.