Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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Breakup Withdrawal

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"Love is addictive. Lovers fail to aware that they've become a junkie. Sometimes it never the person, it was the chemistry in your brain telling your body to crave for your partner. That's when you need a fix."

I still wake up at odd times. Only for different reasons. Lately, it because of the significant other. How my sleep is occupied with bizarre dreams about us. The fight, the romance, the way he used to look at me as if I was his sole purpose in life. Haven't eaten or sleep properly takes a toll on my health, both physically and mentally. I was afraid I might get a heart attack.

Just now, I got a series of dreams of him hurting me. Telling all his friends that I was crazy. That I'm the one who was using him. That I'm possessive and demanding. Four or five dreams in a row and I wake up to a word: withdrawal.

Several posts before, I wrote about how love is chemistry more than a feeling. It's all happening in our brain. It's exactly like drug withdrawal, located in the same part of the brain. The part that gives us senses of leisure, satisfaction, and achievement. Or so I read since I never taste any kind of drugs.

Still with the question 'was I ever loved by you?' because nothing changes in his life. He still got it as before. While I was, some kind of a mess.

It only a matter of time. I know it very well. Time doesn't heal, our body was getting used to it, and stop making a fuss about the symptoms. Until that happens, I need to take good care of myself. Because no one will. Especially the one person who only (unintentionally) take but give back so little.

Maybe, he never loves me. It was just convenient for him until I'm not. Maybe it was not anyone's fault. Still, I was sorry I can't make him happy. How can I, I don't know what or how happiness is.

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