Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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Looking for Shinta

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I always use all of my heart when in love. Every time. That is why I have always broken to the dust when betrayed. And my last significant other broke me to the extent that I don't know a decent human being capable of doing that.

I won't mention in detail how I helped him live for the last 8 years. It's his trait to cheat. And he will do it again. He was only sorry coz he got caught.

But, for me.

Looking back, I never pick up the opposite gender. Never looking for a romantic partner. Never want to stick myself to another human. That's my trait. To have a significant other, most of the time did me no good. Once got me longing for rainy days, another one made me visit the doctor regularly. And the last one, I knew he was trouble since the first day.

Anyway anyhow.

Though I can't hate them, I despise what they did to me.

And made me think I was the issue. But hey, I've been warning them since the beginning. I don't want us to be together. They thought it was a challenge. It was not. I pushed them since I knew they would hurt me.

I am usually damn right.

It's been a couple of months since his infidelity. I still mourning, still mending my broken heart. Already stop asking why. I knew the answer: It's his trait to cheat.

So here I am, alone again. Finally knew what loneliness is. Struggling with depression and anxiety. That, and several weeks ago, mania kicked in. I really use all of my energy to survive. I don't have any left to feel angry with you, baby. You do you.  Live a life you owe me so much. Enjoy it while it lasts.

As I'm looking to be myself, consider this as a caution.

If you read this, dear new guys. I'm not ready to jump into any kind of relationship. I can't bear another human touch. I don't want to have to think about anyone's feelings. I'm still mourning. If you have the slightest feeling towards me, please don't. 

I always enjoy my lonesome, that baby, you should be flattered that I have entertained you for the last 8 years. As your sins wouldn't forgiven, live with your guilt, stay unhappy forever.

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