Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

What You Think You Know About Broken Heart

You know the story. A boy met girl, chased her, loved her, ignored her, and they broke up. I've been in that same old story, but always failed to see when did it went wrong. Was that I was that him, was that the timing or we're actually just playing. I never knew until now. The last time he called was to invite me to his wedding, 5 years after I weeping over him for chasing me for no reason, and leaving me when I was madly in love with him.

I wasn't ready. I was only twenty.

I never am the pretty girl, but boys frequently asking me out. Even I wear my heart on my sleeve, I knew we're only flirting. Whoever falls in love first, lose.

Love is addictive. Lovers fail to aware that they've become a junkie. Sometimes it never the person, it was the chemistry in your brain telling your body to crave for your partner. That's when you need a fix.

Until one of them decides they wanna quit. You'd think the one who calls it quit wasn't hurt, but they did. In breaking up, both parties would be hurt. Sometimes it hurts a lot that you running back to your partner. Little we know, it never the person, the love is gone, but habits, who can change their habits in a blink of an eye?

I'm the one who calls it quit, 2 weeks ago. After one month contemplation, after years of wrongdoing. Because his sorry never meant that you regret your action, it's only lip service to make yourself feel better.

I'm the one who left. Still, I'm crying blood, weeping for him. My heart's aching, brain's numbing. Tears flooding. I was screaming.

And I'm looking at him. He was fine. Like the boy from my twenties. The boys were fine. Why?

When I was disastrous, why they are fine? How they still can playing basketball, pouring some good coffee, picking their guitars, how can they do that?

At first, those questions came out in an angry manner. Like 'I can't believe you're doing fine after our separation. Am I a joke to you?'. Then a depress call, 'Was I ever loved by you?' (yes it a song, don't sing it). A realization came last. That's their way to fix their broken heart. By numbing their senses.

I know a guy who shattered when his girl left him. I know a guy who drinks to die when his girl left him. I know a guy who becomes a complete nutball. All because of the break-up.

I know the theory. I know the drill. Still, I'm a broken heart.

I told him twice, I don't want him back. My heart understands. The brain has its own way to cope. We hurt each other. I kill his love for me. All excuses were only excuses. I was in love and be loved. It's over now.

Whoever stays in love last, lose.