Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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The Color of Heart is Black

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I'm losing track of how many days passed since mom passed away. It's still surreal. Like she's on vacation and would come home anytime. I really don't wanna talk about my feeling, I don't want people to analyze me with seven stages of grief. I don't want awkward sympathy or hugs. I've not buried myself at work so I don't feel. But every time it's hurt. More than ever. And every time it's sad, sadder than never.

The only two people I love more than my life are ma and lil sis. The reason for my money madness. My life purpose to give them an easy life. To never feel pain like I did. To never see the dark side of humans. Not because they're fragile, but because I need them to be happy.

Once I heard a saying, 'Don't ask for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulder'. And I believe that Allah knows how far my strength is. But sometimes there were nights when I cry myself to sleep. Life without ma feels hollow. Of course, I don't have anyone to talk to. Even when I did, when I gather my trust for them to share a piece of my scar, the only response I got was 'sabar ya'.

So I drift away. I shut myself once again like in 2008. My heart bleeding. My eyes were numbing. There was a time I can't feed myself because every food reminds me of ma. And I was choked with my own tears. The only reason I finally able to eat again was because I know, I can't afford to be sick. I don't have ma to pamper me.

Life's goes on. None of my family move on. We still can see scars in our eyes. We're scattered. Lost. Floating without an anchor. Never they see my tears.

Ma was everything. Losing her makes me meaner, colder, ignorant. It changes everything in me. Don't have any desires. My future life image was broken. And I haven't found the way to fix it yet.

I'm not okay. I'm never okay. But we agree to use a mask in public, weren't we?

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