Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

If You Feel Ugly Today

This might be my depression stage, or that is how I see myself. My current significant other goes furious everytime I told him that I feel ugly. That I'm ugly. He said I'm not. But he never said I'm pretty. Oh, wait, yes he did. But he's in love! People are blind when they are in love.

It's never bothering me before, the fact that I'm not commercial pretty. That kind of pretty made by capitalism to boost their sales. I knew that women are being commodification, from hair to toe. I'm kinda resist by not follow their rules. But I'm the one who lose.

I think to myself, it's alright, I'm smart tho. But Dewi Lestari is a smart momma and a goddess. And Agnes Monica can thrill in heels. Huft. Too much. Okay. I'm nowhere to compare myself with both of them.

At my late twenties, suddenly I had hormonal attacks and my face looks like acnes farm. I almost kill myself. People looking at me like I never wash my face. Once, a staff in Hong Kong harbour, stop me to check an acne on my forehead. I'm so embarrassed. It not some kind of deadly disease!

My close ones told me to try this and that. But I already lose my faith. I'm in bottom of myself esteem. I don't wanna go outside. I'm considering plastic surgery. But my doctor said this is hormonal, so plastic surgery wont really help.

Back when I was in school, I always proud with my skin for not getting any damaging acne. Believe me, you better get those acne on puberty than on your twenties. Because your skin not as elastic as before, therefore your acnes will leave marks. And that exactly what happen to me.

It's been two years. I spend millions for my face, while still spend another millions for my head. It's better now, but those scars stay not only in my face and wallet but also in my self esteem.

Do you ever asking why I never want to take group picture? This is the answer. Meeting old friend is worst. They will judge me just because my acne scars. Yes, I still go on dates, but, usually, I went MIA - missing in action- because when things get serious they might be want me to see their friends. And I can't handle that. I don't wanna people judging my dates because they're dating a girl with a face full of acne scars.

You might think I overthinking. I misjudge people. Well, my head is not in a good state, remember?

My current significant other feel tired with me saying I'm ugly. How about me? I have to life with this scars on my face and my heart. Can you a bit supportive?

So people, watch your words. 'Kok sekarang jerawatan?' Could trigger my depress mood. Do me a favour and think before asking. You don't really care anyway. Find another ice breaking question, will you?