Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 12

I was waiting the doctor anxiously.
I've been in this state since last weekend and it didnt stop.
I'm going wild.
'Hey, unlike you to show up without appointment,' the doctor smirks at my appearance.
I smile.
'So, wanna talk?'
'I'm not comfortable with this topic, Doc.'
'Okay. Now did you get enough sleep? Eat well? Still doing yoga and taekwondo?'
'Hahaha easy, Doc,'
'Hm, you're fun. Very unlike you. That's make me worry, actually.'
I smile. Weaker.
'Only slept 3 hours. Eat everything or didn't eat at all. Work out much.'
The doctor writes it down. And waiting for me to continue.
'We're usually talk about love. You don't wanna talk about it? Everything's good?'
'Yeah. It just...'
'Still got that thought?'
'Means your life's good?'
'I was too careless lately. I let people touch me without barriers. And I hate myself after that.'
The doctor knew what I mean right away. We already talked about this years ago.
'I know why I push people away. Yes, I don't wanna get hurt. But more than that. I don't wanna hurt them. Like giving false hope.
'Or, I'm afraid people will take advantage from my condition. From my unable to control things when I'm in manic.'
The doctor's picking words carefully.
'Shin. This drives when you're on manic could lead you into mistakes you'll regret. I knew you. And we agreed that this is not yourself, right?
'So if you unwilling to take on medicine, I suggest you told your condition to friends and family who will help you to control yourself.
'We don't want this to ruin your future, right? Or your heart. Or your head. Or your social scenes.'
People or medicine. Tough call. Once I told some friends. Only one who believes I got a condition. The rest thought I made things up.
Medicine is awfull. I can't take it.
The doctor looks me closely. And really can't find the usual me.
These days. I was living a nightmare. Playing with fires. The only wayout is,
'I'll take the medicine. But not for long run. I need to switch my head off a little bit. I might be dull. But it's for everybody's sake. For me. I need to protect myself from my brain.
'Hahaha, ironic. I need to protect myself from my brain.'