Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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Midnight Doctor 12

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I was waiting the doctor anxiously.
I've been in this state since last weekend and it didnt stop.
I'm going wild.
'Hey, unlike you to show up without appointment,' the doctor smirks at my appearance.
I smile.
'So, wanna talk?'
'I'm not comfortable with this topic, Doc.'
'Okay. Now did you get enough sleep? Eat well? Still doing yoga and taekwondo?'
'Hahaha easy, Doc,'
'Hm, you're fun. Very unlike you. That's make me worry, actually.'
I smile. Weaker.
'Only slept 3 hours. Eat everything or didn't eat at all. Work out much.'
The doctor writes it down. And waiting for me to continue.
'We're usually talk about love. You don't wanna talk about it? Everything's good?'
'Yeah. It just...'
'Still got that thought?'
'No.'
'Means your life's good?'
'I was too careless lately. I let people touch me without barriers. And I hate myself after that.'
The doctor knew what I mean right away. We already talked about this years ago.
'I know why I push people away. Yes, I don't wanna get hurt. But more than that. I don't wanna hurt them. Like giving false hope.
'Or, I'm afraid people will take advantage from my condition. From my unable to control things when I'm in manic.'
The doctor's picking words carefully.
'Shin. This drives when you're on manic could lead you into mistakes you'll regret. I knew you. And we agreed that this is not yourself, right?
'So if you unwilling to take on medicine, I suggest you told your condition to friends and family who will help you to control yourself.
'We don't want this to ruin your future, right? Or your heart. Or your head. Or your social scenes.'
People or medicine. Tough call. Once I told some friends. Only one who believes I got a condition. The rest thought I made things up.
Medicine is awfull. I can't take it.
'Well?'
The doctor looks me closely. And really can't find the usual me.
These days. I was living a nightmare. Playing with fires. The only wayout is,
'I'll take the medicine. But not for long run. I need to switch my head off a little bit. I might be dull. But it's for everybody's sake. For me. I need to protect myself from my brain.
'Hahaha, ironic. I need to protect myself from my brain.'

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