Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 11

I look at the doctor in awkward. It's been a year since I came here.
'Lets start. How are you doing Shin?'
'Good.' I said that but I'm chocking. And the doctor see that and smile.
'Work's good? Friend? Family?'
'Yeah. Work's fine. Family is now better. Friend. I got some new friends.'
'And this new friend finally bring you back in here?'
I give the doctor a pale smile.
'Yeah. They can't recognize my real age. I'm too old for this. But people my age aren't socializing much.
'I'm losing myself.'
My finger keep fidgeting when I talk. Like I have to trust the doctor like the first time.
'I still have this fear to be loved.
'People think I'm a player. A heartless bitch. But actually I'm just too afraid to get hurt. I'm a child inside.'
My eyes feel teary.
'And what did you do? Still pushing people to leave?'
'Yeah. I can stand a long relationship. Everytime is just a fling one after another. I try to fix my human relationship but it always fall apart. I can't. No matter how hard I try.'
'Actually, Shin, this human relationship, you re talking about romantic relationship right? And we already figure it out that you are not unable to have one. Instead you believe that you unable to have one. Because you don't believe yourself. And you are afraid to look vulnerable just because you are in love.'
'Yeah. Sort of. So I push them away. Before they lose their interest on me. I'm too afraid to let them know what a wacko I am.'
'One year. One year you never came and you didn't change a bit. Why? Why wont you trust people? Why shut yourself out? What did you see lack from yourself?'
'Well, I'm not pretty.'
'Yeah, and so everybody else.'
'I'm crazy.'
'Oh, darling. The crazy one wouldnt know whether they are crazy or not.'
'Okay. I dont have a heart to love others than myself.'
'Because I'm afraid they will leave me in the end. And I can't be without them. Not same at all.
'And I'm not attractive. People wont be with me.'
The doctor's head shakes.
'You are a fine young woman. And you are pretty. Smart. Kind. And happy. Just keep seeing the positive things and tell this to yourself everytime you feel you aren't. Say it now.'
I'm not pretty.
'Come on, say it, Shin.'
I'm not smart.
'You know yourself best.'
I'm a mean person.
'Say it after me. I'm pretty. Smart. Kind. And happy.'
I don't deserve to be happy.
I start crying.
Tears I've been holding on since forever.
I know why people don't love me.
I don't love me.