Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Midnight Doctor 9.0

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'Good day, how are you lately?' The good doctor always welcoming me with bright smile. I wonder if in the doctor's life sun shines everyday.
'I have questions.'
'Always in hurry.' Now the doctor laughs.
'You're in a good mood.'
'And you're not?'
'Not really. I've never been in a good mood for long. Something always ready to switch it off.'
'Ah, what's that?'
'Mostly my own mind.'
'You said you've questions?'
'Yes. I've been thinking that im unable to love.'
'Why is that?'
'I have this guy i fancy. I miss him right away when he's about to left. I dream my future with him. But i dont feel thrill when he's around.
'I think i dont deserve him. He's so humble yet dedicated. You know that term 'work hard'? He does that literally.'
'Again with 'dont deserve' thing?'
'I know i make you bored.'
'No, Shin. But why? Why do you see yourself that low?'
Oh, again with that question.
'I've seen you couple times nailed every forums, discussions, photosession, turnaments, you're so bright and able to achieve something.
'But still you see yourself so little. You told me this, Shin, nobody cares about anybody but themself. Now tell me, what's make you despise yourself?'
'You wanna find out if the factor is from inside or outside?'
'Yes.'
'No. Maybe i should give up. Nobody wants me.'