Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 3.0

'Hey doc. I've been wondering. Why am i the only child in my house that suffering this?'
The doctor takes off glasses and staring at me. 'Are you sure? Do you really know what other siblings feel?'
'At least it's not shown.'
'Maybe that's the different. You're show it off in order to make people back off so you would hurt anymore.'
'Yeah, is that because im weak?'
'People are different, Shin. You always said that you hardly getting sick while your sisters re the opposite. You told me the story when you're hit the fence while riding bike, your knee wounded badly, but you taking care yourself so your mother wont find out.
'Maybe the different between you and your siblings is you talk so little, while you see too much, you hear too much, you feel too much. You care too much. That's why you get hurt too much too. And make you shut people out.'
'Yeah. Why is that?'
'Why is the sky blue?'
'Because it's made that way. You born that way. With a pure feeling to taking care others. And you always did until they hurt you, betray you, losing your trust. You might forgive them, you might forget. But it's already over for you. Because you're hurt too bad.'
'Hey doc, you're talking too much, right?'
The doctor smiles. 'And you're holding your tears too long.'
'You know what the saying, doc? The loneliest person is..'
'The one who cries to sleep.'
'Crying is stupid, doc. It wont gain you anything.'
'Shin, why are you always alone? Even in such holiday? Are you that tough? Are you that proud? Things wont change unless you do something.'
'No, doc. I've tried enough. I saw everything since age six. Nothing was ever given to me but money. And funny how now i got a lot of money, but i use it to pay you, doc.
'Doc, i cant remember when i've been hug or 've been praised. But then again it's goes for all the child in that house. Why am i the only one without smile on my face? Help me, doc.'
Finally the doctor sees my tears.
'You know it already. If you cant change it, then leave it. You're hurt too much. You're not being selfish, you try to keep yourself from getting hurt.'
'I am a selfish person, doc.'
'Are you? If that's true, you wouldnt be here. You hurt because you care. A selfish person hardly getting hurt for they're not thinking about others.'
'Why, you are so smart and kind, doc. I should leave, then. Or i ended up cutting my vein.'
'Geez, Shin!'
'You know i got that, doc. You know i will. If only i dont have God. But then, why God make me like this? God im tired. This is too much. Are you punishing me?'
The doctor tried to calm me. I was shaking and sobbing and my heart's hurt.
'Shin, God is good. Believe that. He'll make you happy at last.'
'If i cant make it to the last...'
'Shin, please, be happy.'
'I dont know how, doc. I dont know how to be happy.'
We sat in silence. The doctor looks as tired as me. Unhappiness is contagious.