Borrowed Sorrow

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  Growing up, I spent most of my time alone. I spent it reading, playing pretend, writing short stories, dancing, and exploring. Of course, I had a crew: a bunch of busybody teenagers exploring the infinite possibilities of our hometown. When puberty hit, I fell in love with the idea of falling in love, but not the actual relationship part. I mostly read about romance in teen magazines and already felt exhausted by the obligations society threw at girls. Back in my day, being sad was a trend. I was there when the first emo punk bands debuted on MTV. I was there when Avril swapped her skateboard for a tutu. But personally, I was happy. So, I borrowed sorrow from pop culture instead. I picked up my brother’s beat-up guitar and learned to play the most heart-numbing songs. I was an emo girl. The quiet kind you could only discover by reading my notes or scrolling through my playlist. I am a middle-aged woman now. What was once a borrowed sorrow has become the story of my life. Those c...
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lluvia #7

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Kadang, saat hujan turun deras seperti ini, ada kelebatan bayangan tentang gadis itu. Tentang kenapa ia selalu menatap ku. Tentang entah yang mana dirinya yang sebenarnya.

Tangguh? Manja? Manipulatif? Brutally honest? Free will person? Keras kepala? Kekanak-kanakan? Yang mana? Ia selalu muncul dihadapan ku dengan beragam emosi yang ia inginkan. Tak pernah sekali pun peduli pada pandangan mencibir orang lain.

Baginya hanya ada aku. Benarkah? Walaupun tak tergerak hati ini untuknya? Walaupun dengan jelas ku katakan aku tidak peduli padanya? Benarkah? Benarkah demikian atau aku hanya bagian dari kegilaannya sementara.

Begitu ia merasa bosan dengan ku, akan dicarinya sosok lain lagi. Aku sulit merasakan perasaan yang ia teriak-teriakan. Aku tak merasa ia menyayangiku. Ia cuma menginginkan ku ada.

Dan aku memang ada. Tapi tidak pernah untuk dia. Kami, tidak ditakdirkan bersama. Gadis itu, hanya bisa berangan-angan bagaimana rasanya terbangun di sisi ku sehabis hujan seperti malam ini.

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