Hard Pills to Swallow

on
  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
0

Borrowed Sorrow

on

 


Growing up, I spent most of my time alone. I spent it reading, playing pretend, writing short stories, dancing, and exploring. Of course, I had a crew: a bunch of busybody teenagers exploring the infinite possibilities of our hometown.

When puberty hit, I fell in love with the idea of falling in love, but not the actual relationship part. I mostly read about romance in teen magazines and already felt exhausted by the obligations society threw at girls.

Back in my day, being sad was a trend. I was there when the first emo punk bands debuted on MTV. I was there when Avril swapped her skateboard for a tutu. But personally, I was happy. So, I borrowed sorrow from pop culture instead. I picked up my brother’s beat-up guitar and learned to play the most heart-numbing songs. I was an emo girl. The quiet kind you could only discover by reading my notes or scrolling through my playlist.

I am a middle-aged woman now. What was once a borrowed sorrow has become the story of my life. Those colorful days are behind me. Now, I am mostly black and blue. My words are still dark, and my songs, well, I went from Guns N’ Roses to Taylor Swift. In between, there is The Cranberries and Robbie Williams. Or, if I really need to cry, Korean ballads. These are the little things I love.

I thought I was in a relationship with a man full of Paku dan Peniti. It turns out, I wasn’t. An empty, lost feeling I was never familiar with washes over me. I am sorrow.

Now, I am looking to find myself again. I am handing back his issues (they are not mine!). I am unlearning our time together and trying to be the "happy-sad" girl I used to be.

Comments

Post a Comment