SCREAM

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"Kenapa tidak berteriak?"   Pertanyaan yang selalu muncul ke permukaan dalam diskursus kekerasan seksual. Ada tuntutan tersirat tentang konsep the perfect victim,  bahwa korban yang "sah" haruslah sesosok manusia suci tanpa cela yang melawan sekuat tenaga. Jika kamu membeku karena shock dan tidak berteriak, maka di mata mereka, kamu bukan korban. "Kenapa mau ikut pergi sama terlapor?"   Pertanyaan berikutnya. Mengesankan bahwa jika korban setuju untuk bertemu atau bepergian, maka ia juga otomatis menyetujui tindakan kekerasan seksual yang terjadi. Logika usang ini menganggap kekerasan seksual tidak akan terjadi jika korban bisa menjaga diri dengan baik: tidak dekat dengan pelaku, tidak tinggal bersama pelaku, dan selalu waspada. Lagi-lagi, tuntutan menjadi a perfect victim . "Kalau sudah tahu dia begitu, kenapa tidak ditinggalkan? Kenapa masih mau berhubungan?" Bahkan aparat penegak hukum pun sering kali sulit menerima kenyataan ini. Mereka gagal...
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Borrowed Sorrow

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Growing up, I spent most of my time alone. I spent it reading, playing pretend, writing short stories, dancing, and exploring. Of course, I had a crew: a bunch of busybody teenagers exploring the infinite possibilities of our hometown.

When puberty hit, I fell in love with the idea of falling in love, but not the actual relationship part. I mostly read about romance in teen magazines and already felt exhausted by the obligations society threw at girls.

Back in my day, being sad was a trend. I was there when the first emo punk bands debuted on MTV. I was there when Avril swapped her skateboard for a tutu. But personally, I was happy. So, I borrowed sorrow from pop culture instead. I picked up my brother’s beat-up guitar and learned to play the most heart-numbing songs. I was an emo girl. The quiet kind you could only discover by reading my notes or scrolling through my playlist.

I am a middle-aged woman now. What was once a borrowed sorrow has become the story of my life. Those colorful days are behind me. Now, I am mostly black and blue. My words are still dark, and my songs, well, I went from Guns N’ Roses to Taylor Swift. In between, there is The Cranberries and Robbie Williams. Or, if I really need to cry, Korean ballads. These are the little things I love.

I thought I was in a relationship with a man full of Paku dan Peniti. It turns out, I wasn’t. An empty, lost feeling I was never familiar with washes over me. I am sorrow.

Now, I am looking to find myself again. I am handing back his issues (they are not mine!). I am unlearning our time together and trying to be the "happy-sad" girl I used to be.

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