Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Happiness is a state of mind

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I'm 25 yo. I got a job, my childhood dream. I'm going on a dates, but not let myself stay in one relationship. Gue juga membiasakan diri tidak berhutang. Cukup tidur dan makan dengan layak. I wanna life my live to the fullest.

Yes. I'm happy.
I'm happy.
I'm happy, am I?

Please, define 'happy'. As usual, I asked some of my friends. Here's what they said:

Happy itu apa yang kita inginkan akhirnya tercapai. - Nia, pekerja media.

Bahagia itu sederhana :). - Aje, fresh graduated.

Happiness is unexplainable, you can't define it, you gotta feel it. - Thira, model.

Suatu keadaan dimana kita Merasakan perasaan senang , tanpa kekhawatiran apapun ttg hal lainnya. :D - Bella, a wife.

Sebuah perasaan nyaman di hati,yg bikin kita ngerasa bersyukur bgt udah ngerasain itu. - Intan, civil officer.

Happy is when I can reach what I want to achieve. - Putro, graphologist.

Happy : seneng karena g ada yg membuat dada sesak karena ada beban, rasanya pgn senyum terus mpe loncat2, rasanya kayak dihatinya ada taman bunga <3<3. - Shinta, surfer.

Berbeda-beda? Pastinya definisi di atas didasarkan pada pengalaman hidup mereka. Gue inget pernah ngeliput seminarnya @reneCC dan dia bilang: kebahagiaan itu bukan apa yang ada dipikiran anda. Tapi apa yang anda rasakan.

Apa yang gue rasakan? Saat ini, gue merasa penolakan. I refuse to accept myself. Feel like I'll never good enough. For my dad, for my besties, for my little sister, and for one boy I adore.

My mind manipulated me. Terus membuat gue mengejar sesuatu, entah apa. Like I never stop thinking about my next articles, 'what if' stuffs, my verse of success, etc. Never feel enough. Something missing. Always, something missing, no matter how hard I tried.

Enough. Itu kata kunci gue. Bahagia adalah merasa cukup. Dengan apa yang gue punya, apa yang gue jalani. Merasa. Saat hati gue merasa cukup, maka otak gue akan mengirim sinyal kalau gue bahagia.

Yes, I am happy. Insya Allah.
*jam segini posting ttg happiness, sesuatu banget yah :DD

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