Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #21

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Saya melihat perempuan itu lagi. Bedanya ia sudah ahli menyunggingkan senyum menutupi perih di dadanya. Saya mendekat untuk menyapa.
'hari ini hujan,' ujarnya. Iya, sore ini memang hujan. Tepat saat kami berpapasan di tepi jalan.
'boleh kamu sampaikan pada dia, saat ini saya merindunya.' tanpa sadar tangan kanannya meraba dada. Masih terasa sesak.
'katanya, orang yang tidak bisa menangis itu adalah orang yang lemah.' ucapnya lagi, 'saya merasa lemah saat merinduinya. demikian lemah hingga tak berdaya mengeluarkan air mata.'

Kami duduk berdampingan. Menunggu hujan reda. Menunggu airmatanya luruh. Menunggu lelakinya bicara. Menunggu entah apa.

Ia tidak bicara lagi. Airmata memenuhi rongga dadanya. Untuk lelaki yang menciptakan rindu.

'kamu, saya rindu.' ucapnya lirih.

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