Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Suatu hari temen gue bilang, 'shin, si mas itu pas wisuda duduk depan gue loh'; 'shin, pas jgtc gue papasan sama mas itu lagi payungan bareng cewek'. objek yang dibahas di sini adalah mantan pacar.
Waktu itu belum ada facebook apalagi twitter path dan line. Karena sempat sharing password friendster akhirnya gue gak mengupdate socmed itu lagi. Gue berusaha menahan diri nggak meng-update tentang orang ini. Tapi gimana dong kalau fakta bertubi-tubi disodorkan ke muka gue? waktu itu rasanya bitter sih.
Hari hari belakangan ini lepas dari majalah fashion remaja ternama di Jakarta, gue masih rutin disodorkan fakta terbaru tentang keadaan di dalam majalah itu. Sebagian bikin gue berkomentar 'i told you' atau 'hah? kayak kurang kerjaan aja' juga 'maksudnya baik, gue rasa'.
Gue selalu senang kok terima updatean baru tentang apa aja. Cuma karena gue move on kagak berarti gue shut the door kan?
Ketika suatu hari mas itu whatsapp gue akan kabar pernikahannya akhir taun lalu pun, gue santai santai aja.
Knowledge is power also curse. Tergantung bagaimana kita mendayagunakannya.
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