Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #16

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Lalu saya ingat kamu. Sungguh sial, sebenarnya saya tidak sanggup mengenyahkan mu. Hari ini hujan. Jendela besar di samping saya menampilkan kabut di tengah kota.
Oh tolong hentikan. Otak saya lantas memutar kepingan tawa mu. Saya mohon berhenti. Saya tidak ingin kembali menatap mata itu.
Saya pernah bilang kamu candu. Kamu tertawa menanggapinya. Saya pernah bilang sayang. Kamu tertawa menanggapinya. Saya pergi. Kamu tidak (pernah) peduli.
Hentikan, hentikan, hentikan. Hujan, kabut, hormon, rindu, cinta, derita, tolong jangan ambil kesadaran saya.
Saya sudah pergi. Walau hati saya masih di sana. Walau hati saya terasa mati. Saya sudah pergi.
Pergi kemana saja, saya tetap cinta.
Sungguh sial.

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