Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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lluvia #16

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Lalu saya ingat kamu. Sungguh sial, sebenarnya saya tidak sanggup mengenyahkan mu. Hari ini hujan. Jendela besar di samping saya menampilkan kabut di tengah kota.
Oh tolong hentikan. Otak saya lantas memutar kepingan tawa mu. Saya mohon berhenti. Saya tidak ingin kembali menatap mata itu.
Saya pernah bilang kamu candu. Kamu tertawa menanggapinya. Saya pernah bilang sayang. Kamu tertawa menanggapinya. Saya pergi. Kamu tidak (pernah) peduli.
Hentikan, hentikan, hentikan. Hujan, kabut, hormon, rindu, cinta, derita, tolong jangan ambil kesadaran saya.
Saya sudah pergi. Walau hati saya masih di sana. Walau hati saya terasa mati. Saya sudah pergi.
Pergi kemana saja, saya tetap cinta.
Sungguh sial.

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