Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #13

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Tak ada yang lebih indah daripada hujan. Saat ia mengetuk jendela mendahului matahari pagi.
Satu dua tiga rintik airnya memenuhi udara. Membangunkan ku dari mimpi.
Mimpi tentang mu. Masih tentang mu. Selalu tentang mu.
Hujan kembali menyadarkan ku. Kita tidak nyata. Kamu tidak untuk selamanya. Aku harusnya mengejar mimpi, bukan terikat padamu.
Sayang, aku cuma gadis yang jatuh cinta. Menutup mata atas benar salah. Mendengar hanya suara mu. Menatap hanya senyumanmu.
Apalah arti mimpi dan cita cita. Ketika kamu ada dihadapanku, bahagia.
Sisa air di dedaunan mengantar ku pada persimpangan. Bertahan karena kamu, atau pergi mengejar mimpi. Dua duanya meragukan.
Atau memang aku yang tidak bisa berdamai dengan kenyataan?
Pagi ini hujan. Aku masih rindu.

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