Apa Kabar, Bo?

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  Apa kabar, Bo? Kemarin saya ke Gramedia. Sanctuary saya pas jaman SD. Dulu waktu Hero Swalayan masih ada di Gatot Subroto. Biasanya saya ke sana setelah ngumpulin duit jajan seminggu dan bisa buat beli komik. Ngga seperti sekarang, dulu banyak komik yang sampul plastiknya terbuka, jadi saya puas-puasin baca sebelum akhirnya beli cuma satu.  Jaman itu majalah Bobo tidak setipis sekarang. Apalagi pas edisi khusus, tebalnya bisa ngalahin kamus. Hahaha, bercanda ya, Bo. Bobo benar-benar teman bermain dan belajar saya, ada beberapa dongeng dunia yang sampai detik ini saya masih ingat. Ada juga dongeng lokal yang jadi favorit saya. Mungkin penulis Bobo sudah lupa, ada sebuah cerpen, yang memuat cerita ibu petani yang asik bekerja hingga anaknya kelaparan. Saya ingat ada syairnya: tingting gelinting, perutku sudah genting, kelaparan mau makan. Saya kemudian meniru syair tersebut dan dimarahin Mama. Beliau bilang, ngga pantas didenger orang. Oh ya, Bo. Mama adalah orang yang berjasa...
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Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter.

Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it.

All while still wanna die.

So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain.

What's I'm looking for.

What's the drive that gets me up every morning.

Why I'm in constant pain.

Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy.

I know what I want is for the pain to stop.

And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it.

What and who hurts me.

Or

No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive.

Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people.

Accept that I only can control myself.

To tough up and not let it hurts.

Maybe this is not about me.

Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me.

It's like a circle.

While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others.

The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and still living a good life is proof, that I'm strong.

Sometimes for myself, sometimes for others that need me.

I'm aware that I love to be alone, and I want company at the same time.

I also aware, just because I love someone, doesn't mean they have to love me back.

While unrequited love is also hurt, I need to understand.

I'm not what they looking for.

It's really nothing about me.

I need to remember that most people live for themselves.

Nothing personal.

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