I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter.
Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it.
All while still wanna die.
So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain.
What's I'm looking for.
What's the drive that gets me up every morning.
Why I'm in constant pain.
Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy.
I know what I want is for the pain to stop.
And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it.
What and who hurts me.
No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive.
Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people.
Accept that I only can control myself.
To tough up and not let it hurts.
Maybe this is not about me.
Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me.
It's like a circle.
While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others.
The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and still living a good life is proof, that I'm strong.
Sometimes for myself, sometimes for others that need me.
I'm aware that I love to be alone, and I want company at the same time.
I also aware, just because I love someone, doesn't mean they have to love me back.
While unrequited love is also hurt, I need to understand.
I'm not what they looking for.
It's really nothing about me.
I need to remember that most people live for themselves.