Sabtu

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Saturday is supposed to be fun and the most awaited day of the week. Tapi semua berubah sejak negara api menyerang. Some time months before, gue anxious ketika Sabtu datang. Beda dengan orang-orang yang baru anxious menjelang Senin, dulu gue selalu seneng menjelang Senin karena berarti kerja lagi, Lalu, apa yang gue lakukan untuk membuat Sabtu kembali menyenangkan? Setelah berhasil mengumpulkan energi, Sabtu pertama gue menuruni air terjun. Apakah ini kegilaan atau memang gue sedang membutuhkan distraksi, tapi eksplorasi pertama ini seakan membangunkan gue dari koma panjang bertahun-tahun. Berhari-hari merasakan chest pain, gue kira, umur berhasil mengalahkan kesehatan gue dan mungkin gue juga punya penyakit jantung seperti mama? Pun ketika dibawa menuruni air terjun, nyeri di dada tidak terasa. Memang sudah lama gue curiga itu hanyalah psikosomatik. Efek di badan karena pikiran. Lantas ketika dibawa bertualang, rasa sakit itu justru hilang. Sayangnya efek adrenalin sirna beberapa hari
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Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter.

Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it.

All while still wanna die.

So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain.

What's I'm looking for.

What's the drive that gets me up every morning.

Why I'm in constant pain.

Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy.

I know what I want is for the pain to stop.

And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it.

What and who hurts me.

Or

No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive.

Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people.

Accept that I only can control myself.

To tough up and not let it hurts.

Maybe this is not about me.

Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me.

It's like a circle.

While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others.

The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and still living a good life is proof, that I'm strong.

Sometimes for myself, sometimes for others that need me.

I'm aware that I love to be alone, and I want company at the same time.

I also aware, just because I love someone, doesn't mean they have to love me back.

While unrequited love is also hurt, I need to understand.

I'm not what they looking for.

It's really nothing about me.

I need to remember that most people live for themselves.

Nothing personal.

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