Looking for Shinta

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I always use all of my heart when in love. Every time. That is why I have always broken to the dust when betrayed. And my last significant other broke me to the extent that I don't know a decent human being capable of doing that. I won't mention in detail how I helped him live for the last 8 years. It's his trait to cheat. And he will do it again. He was only sorry coz he got caught. But, for me. Looking back, I never pick up the opposite gender. Never looking for a romantic partner. Never want to stick myself to another human. That's my trait. To have a significant other, most of the time did me no good. Once got me longing for rainy days , another one made me visit the doctor regularly. And the last one, I knew he was trouble since the first day. Anyway anyhow. Though I can't hate them, I despise what they did to me. And made me think I was the issue. But hey, I've been warning them since the beginning. I don't want us to be together. They thought it was
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A Head Full of Awful Things

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Not Ok Leighton Meester GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

I'm forcing myself to write.
Since there are many awful things in my head.
Forever grievings.
Live in a pandemic.
Constantly anxious.

But, I live well.
Works okay.
Occasionally laugh.

While still want to cut open my wrist.

I would never do that.

My body is not mine.

So I live well.
Keep trying to eat clean.
Meditate.
Sometimes working out.

I know I'm not okay.
Never in my entire life.
I know I can't afford to be sick.
So I cope.

Some nights it's worse than ever.
Some night eyes won't close.
Days feel longer.
And miserable.

My heart feels like it would burst.
My head spin.
Tears flood like a river.

I'm not okay, still, I'm coping.

Some days are worse.
For unknown reasons.

Coping is hard.

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