Sabtu

Saturday is supposed to be fun and the most awaited day of the week. Tapi semua berubah sejak negara api menyerang. Some time months before, gue anxious ketika Sabtu datang. Beda dengan orang-orang yang baru anxious menjelang Senin, dulu gue selalu seneng menjelang Senin karena berarti kerja lagi, Lalu, apa yang gue lakukan untuk membuat Sabtu kembali menyenangkan? Setelah berhasil mengumpulkan energi, Sabtu pertama gue menuruni air terjun. Apakah ini kegilaan atau memang gue sedang membutuhkan distraksi, tapi eksplorasi pertama ini seakan membangunkan gue dari koma panjang bertahun-tahun. Berhari-hari merasakan chest pain, gue kira, umur berhasil mengalahkan kesehatan gue dan mungkin gue juga punya penyakit jantung seperti mama? Pun ketika dibawa menuruni air terjun, nyeri di dada tidak terasa. Memang sudah lama gue curiga itu hanyalah psikosomatik. Efek di badan karena pikiran. Lantas ketika dibawa bertualang, rasa sakit itu justru hilang. Sayangnya efek adrenalin sirna beberapa hari

A Head Full of Awful Things

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I'm forcing myself to write.
Since there are many awful things in my head.
Forever grievings.
Live in a pandemic.
Constantly anxious.

But, I live well.
Works okay.
Occasionally laugh.

While still want to cut open my wrist.

I would never do that.

My body is not mine.

So I live well.
Keep trying to eat clean.
Meditate.
Sometimes working out.

I know I'm not okay.
Never in my entire life.
I know I can't afford to be sick.
So I cope.

Some nights it's worse than ever.
Some night eyes won't close.
Days feel longer.
And miserable.

My heart feels like it would burst.
My head spin.
Tears flood like a river.

I'm not okay, still, I'm coping.

Some days are worse.
For unknown reasons.

Coping is hard.

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