Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Dear My Ten Years Old Self



My ten years old self was a curious adventurer who trotted neighbourhood with her bicycle. Little she knows what future can bring. Her only fear was missing her favorite anime. And her dreams was bigger.

I was feeling down since last weekend and I need distraction. So I mindlessly asking people, what would they told their ten years old self if they can go time travel. Here's few answers I got.

Zaky Akbar: Beli Bitcoin. Atau, saham Gojek
Yusi Narulita: Apalin berapa utang puasa Ramadhan tiap tahunnya sejak pertama 'dapet'
Erlinda Alizar: Jangan lupa bawa payung sebelum hujan
Amelia Nurtiara: This world is cruel. Please beware ~ lol
Isnaini Fadilah: Jan cepet dewasa
My Eternal Crush: hi, saya dirimu 21 tahun dari masa depan (He's so funny!)
Nurdin Latief: Jangan patah semangat. Konsisten. Jangan mudah menyerah
Rina Dwi Andriani: segera nikah dan kebut promil
Angeline Natalia: Don't grow up, it's a trap
Retno Prasetyani: jangan makan kebanyakan, biasain olahraga
Weni Kusuma: Belajar jd pengusaha muda aja. Dari kecil udah jiwa dagang wkwkwk
Titi Maria Ulfah: Jgn terlalu bnyak makan. Pertahankan 30kg mu haha
Nanda Imaniar: dont study too hard, its useless
Syarifah Sahnath Assiry: you'll be okay
Rizki Rahmat Ridha: Jagain ibu, dan dengerin kata ibu
Bobby Yasser: Focus belajar jgn kerja jgn ikutin mereka

I'm still feeling down. If I meet my ten years old self tonight, I will crying in her arms and she will understand that life is hard. She has to be prepared.

What yours?

Oh, nevermind. Not my business.