I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words—“cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu”—in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating.
It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment.
Understanding the Language of Power
The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that:
It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle.
Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose to use violence to forcibly take a sense of superiority.
Deliberate Harm: This wasn't a "misunderstanding." Those words show a conscious intent to use your body as a tool to fix his own ego.
Moving Forward
Please know that his need to "win" is a reflection of his own deep-seated brokenness and toxicity, not a reflection of your worth. You were not a participant in a game; you were a victim of a crime and a profound betrayal of trust.
Recovery isn't a straight line, and it’s okay if that blankness still haunts you or if you're just now starting to feel the anger or sadness attached to it.
If you feel safe and able to do so, please consider reaching out to a professional or a support group. You don't have to carry the weight of those words or that experience alone. * In Indonesia: You can contact LBH APIK or Komnas Perempuan for support and guidance regarding domestic and sexual violence.
Global: International resources like RAINN offer confidential support.
Would you like me to help you find specific contact information for support services or perhaps help you process more of these thoughts through writing?
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