Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Coffee and Kisses: Ground Coffee

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'I don't deserve you'

Kata-kata itu bukan pertama kali terlontar pada saya.
Bagaimana bisa? Saya jatuh cinta berjuta kali dalam sehari.
Pada manusia, awal, warna hijau, susu strawberry, apel, segalanya.
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Saya mampu mencintai seperti itu.

Namun cinta saya kelam.
Beracun dan membunuh.
Membunuh akal sehat saya.
Mendorong saya melakukan apa saja untuk bisa menikmatinya.
Melalui mata, rasa, kata.
Cinta yang menyelusup ke hati dan melumpuhkan otak.
Cinta saya seperti itu.

Pada akhirnya cinta saya terbuang.
Seperti ampas kopi setelah ekstraksi.