Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 13

'Sorry for sudden call, Doc.'
'It's okay. Is everything good?'
I sat there in silence. Phone in my hand. Head full of words. But none can come up.
'Shin, if you call me in the dead of the night, I wish you would talk.'
'Sorry, Doc. It just. I don't know where to start. I feel so awful.'
'Hurting people. Playing with their feeling.'
'It's normal. You will get hurt when you hurt other. Means you still have heart even when you say you are heartless.'
'I don't want him to get hurt. But I don't want him to blame it all on me.'
'Are you in relationship with someone?'
'It's not supposed to be a relationship.'
'So? Are you playing your games again? Didn't I told you that's not good for your mental condition? Your manic phase was 2 months ago. The last time you came for therapy.'
'Yeah. It started back then.'
'Until now? Did you develop feeling over him? Which is good, actually.'
'That's what make me confused. I don't feel anything to him. I just don't want him to get hurt. I always worry about him and he use it as a weapon.'
'He traps you with guilt?'
'I care about him. But he doesn't want to keep me. I don't wanna ended up with him. But everytime I tried to leave he makes me worry and guilty. I'm so confused. That's why I don't wanna be in relationship. I can't be myself. And I'm afraid he will leaves me.'
'You know, I've been reading some journals, will send it to you. Shin, your problem with not letting anyone to love you, is being selfish. And in the same time is your 'imune system'. You don't wanna lose yourself. You are afraid when will your partner got a change of feeling.
'But, let's just life for the moment. Let's just enjoy his love for you.'
'Even if I don't love him?'
'You don't?'
'I guess so.'
'But you care and worry over him, did you?'
'Yeah. I see me somewhere in his eyes. He was hurted and broken. And if I can do something to lighter his burden, why not?'
'That's definitely not love. That's humanity. It's good. But you show it in a wrong way. He might misread it.'
'He said it's okay if I don't love him. He loves me anyway.'
'He sounds like you.'
'I know right.'
'But, Shin. It's never your job to fix people.'
'I know...
'I wanna run from him. As much as I wanna hold him tight. I always like this everytime people get too close. What should I do?'
'There's a time for everything, Shin. This time, you have to learn how to be loved.'
'What if I hurt him?'
'If it happens, you two will grow up a little more. Wiser and kinder.
'Sleep now. You need it.'
The doctor is off. But I still can't sleep. This guy, like my life, I love to hate.