Coffee and Contemplation - 2

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  Sejak 2012, gue berulang kali mau nabung dollar. Tapi gue urungkan. Bukan karena ngga yakin dollar bakal naik. Justru karena gue yakin dollar pasti naik terhadap nilai tukar rupiah. Dan gue kepikir, kalau dollar naik, pasti berdampak pada ekonomi negara. Ekonomi orang-orang di sekitar gue. Bukan karena mereka pake dollar. Tapi karena pada skala makro, pertukaran komoditi masih menggunakan dollar. Dan mau ngga mau, melihat harga dollar yang tinggi, komoditas dalam negri pasti melirik pasar luar. Namanya juga bisnis, maunya untung. Didasari pemikiran kalau nabung dollar berasa ngga nasionalis, dan berbahagia di atas kesulitan sodara sebangsa dan setanah air, maka gue memilih invest di saham-saham plat merah. Tujuannya selain untuk investasi juga berkontribusi terhadap usaha milik bangsa. Namun lagi lagi. Ngga di mana-mana, cinta gue selalu bertepuk sebelah tangan. Relationship, karir, berwarganegara, pada akhirnya, pemikiran dan tindakan gue yang dilandaskan perhatian, kasih sayang...
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Midnight Doctor 13

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'Sorry for sudden call, Doc.'
'It's okay. Is everything good?'
I sat there in silence. Phone in my hand. Head full of words. But none can come up.
'Shin, if you call me in the dead of the night, I wish you would talk.'
'Sorry, Doc. It just. I don't know where to start. I feel so awful.'
'About?'
'Hurting people. Playing with their feeling.'
'It's normal. You will get hurt when you hurt other. Means you still have heart even when you say you are heartless.'
'I don't want him to get hurt. But I don't want him to blame it all on me.'
'Are you in relationship with someone?'
'It's not supposed to be a relationship.'
'So? Are you playing your games again? Didn't I told you that's not good for your mental condition? Your manic phase was 2 months ago. The last time you came for therapy.'
'Yeah. It started back then.'
'Until now? Did you develop feeling over him? Which is good, actually.'
'That's what make me confused. I don't feel anything to him. I just don't want him to get hurt. I always worry about him and he use it as a weapon.'
'He traps you with guilt?'
'I care about him. But he doesn't want to keep me. I don't wanna ended up with him. But everytime I tried to leave he makes me worry and guilty. I'm so confused. That's why I don't wanna be in relationship. I can't be myself. And I'm afraid he will leaves me.'
'You know, I've been reading some journals, will send it to you. Shin, your problem with not letting anyone to love you, is being selfish. And in the same time is your 'imune system'. You don't wanna lose yourself. You are afraid when will your partner got a change of feeling.
'But, let's just life for the moment. Let's just enjoy his love for you.'
'Even if I don't love him?'
'You don't?'
'I guess so.'
'But you care and worry over him, did you?'
'Yeah. I see me somewhere in his eyes. He was hurted and broken. And if I can do something to lighter his burden, why not?'
'That's definitely not love. That's humanity. It's good. But you show it in a wrong way. He might misread it.'
'He said it's okay if I don't love him. He loves me anyway.'
'He sounds like you.'
'I know right.'
'But, Shin. It's never your job to fix people.'
'I know...
'I wanna run from him. As much as I wanna hold him tight. I always like this everytime people get too close. What should I do?'
'There's a time for everything, Shin. This time, you have to learn how to be loved.'
'What if I hurt him?'
'If it happens, you two will grow up a little more. Wiser and kinder.
'Sleep now. You need it.'
The doctor is off. But I still can't sleep. This guy, like my life, I love to hate.