Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Love Me Not

Kamu tidak mencintai saya.
Berapa kali lagi harus saya beritahu?
Bukan saya yang kamu cintai.
Tapi dirimu sendiri.
Kamu merasa tersiksa dan terluka saat saya tiada.
Karenanya kamu ingin saya ada.
Kamu terbiasa dengan rutinitas kita.
Dan kamu tidak ingin itu berubah.
Karena kamu pikir kamu merasa hampa.

Saya selalu berkata.
Pada sesiapa yang datang bercerita.
Semua hanyalah masalah terbiasa.
Kamu terbiasa dengan keberadaan saya.
Kamu menikmati.
Karena kamu tidak lagi sendiri.
Kamu pikir itu cinta.
Yang benar saja!

Saya memang belum tau rasanya mencintai.
Atau dicintai.
Saya hanya mengerti obsesi.
Rasa ingin memiliki yang menjadi-jadi.
Tapi saya tidak cinta.
Atau pun dicinta.

Lagipula untuk apa bilang cinta.
Jika kamu memilih pergi di akhir cerita?

Comments