Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 10

'How are you?'
The doctor asks me. Looking tired but still pose a smile.
'Im okay. Or im not okay. I dont know.'
'Lets start slowly. How's your sleep?'
'Disturbed, lacked, or too much.'
The doctor staring at my face and knows im all wrong.
'Im tired, doc.'
'You'll be okay, Shin.'
'Will i be loved, doc? Why i always alone? Even my friends refuse to spend time with me. Our friendship is over. Time's up.'
'So that's why you feel sad? Because you're alone?'
'No, doc. Im down because the fact that no one needs me. No one loves me.'
The doctor is taken aback with my words. I know the standart answer for this kind of words is i'll be loved.
But what kind of love? I couldnt stand relationship for a long term. Like im afraid if they'll find out that im not okay, they'll leave.
So i leave them first. It's just me or it's the sickness in my head? I keep thinking, if i cant be happy with myself, chance is i would drag ones to be unhappy when they re with me. Im better off alone. It would be better for me and the world.
'I made progress with my old folks. But still im not happy. Why cant i feel happy?
'Help me, doc. Help me.'
I cried. And i can see the doctor is hurt too to see me like this. Having a mental breakdown.
'Shin, hang on. Things would be better..'
'No it wont. I keep imagine to cut my wrist or jump off the high building.'
'No, Shin. We knew you wont doing that.'
'I know. I know. It's all in my head. But what if it's the right thing to do?'
'You know it's wrong. Shin, take your medicine, please.'
'So i can die overdoses?'
'What's with you today, Shin?'
'I dont know! Im tired. I wanna die. I dont wanna die. Im tired with life. Im unhappy. Im sick.'
The doctor hug's make me realized that im craving for human touch. To be loved. Still im afraid to be loved. Feels like my head going to explode. This is too much.
'Shin, spell your mantra.'
'Patience, Courage, Grateful.'
'And now, have a good sleep, Shin.'
The doctor gives me sedative. Or something. Once again, im petrified.