Apa Kabar, Bo?

  Apa kabar, Bo? Kemarin saya ke Gramedia. Sanctuary saya pas jaman SD. Dulu waktu Hero Swalayan masih ada di Gatot Subroto. Biasanya saya ke sana setelah ngumpulin duit jajan seminggu dan bisa buat beli komik. Ngga seperti sekarang, dulu banyak komik yang sampul plastiknya terbuka, jadi saya puas-puasin baca sebelum akhirnya beli cuma satu.  Jaman itu majalah Bobo tidak setipis sekarang. Apalagi pas edisi khusus, tebalnya bisa ngalahin kamus. Hahaha, bercanda ya, Bo. Bobo benar-benar teman bermain dan belajar saya, ada beberapa dongeng dunia yang sampai detik ini saya masih ingat. Ada juga dongeng lokal yang jadi favorit saya. Mungkin penulis Bobo sudah lupa, ada sebuah cerpen, yang memuat cerita ibu petani yang asik bekerja hingga anaknya kelaparan. Saya ingat ada syairnya: tingting gelinting, perutku sudah genting, kelaparan mau makan. Saya kemudian meniru syair tersebut dan dimarahin Mama. Beliau bilang, ngga pantas didenger orang. Oh ya, Bo. Mama adalah orang yang berjasa...

Midnight Doctor 10

'How are you?'
The doctor asks me. Looking tired but still pose a smile.
'Im okay. Or im not okay. I dont know.'
'Lets start slowly. How's your sleep?'
'Disturbed, lacked, or too much.'
The doctor staring at my face and knows im all wrong.
'Im tired, doc.'
'You'll be okay, Shin.'
'Will i be loved, doc? Why i always alone? Even my friends refuse to spend time with me. Our friendship is over. Time's up.'
'So that's why you feel sad? Because you're alone?'
'No, doc. Im down because the fact that no one needs me. No one loves me.'
The doctor is taken aback with my words. I know the standart answer for this kind of words is i'll be loved.
But what kind of love? I couldnt stand relationship for a long term. Like im afraid if they'll find out that im not okay, they'll leave.
So i leave them first. It's just me or it's the sickness in my head? I keep thinking, if i cant be happy with myself, chance is i would drag ones to be unhappy when they re with me. Im better off alone. It would be better for me and the world.
'I made progress with my old folks. But still im not happy. Why cant i feel happy?
'Help me, doc. Help me.'
I cried. And i can see the doctor is hurt too to see me like this. Having a mental breakdown.
'Shin, hang on. Things would be better..'
'No it wont. I keep imagine to cut my wrist or jump off the high building.'
'No, Shin. We knew you wont doing that.'
'I know. I know. It's all in my head. But what if it's the right thing to do?'
'You know it's wrong. Shin, take your medicine, please.'
'So i can die overdoses?'
'What's with you today, Shin?'
'I dont know! Im tired. I wanna die. I dont wanna die. Im tired with life. Im unhappy. Im sick.'
The doctor hug's make me realized that im craving for human touch. To be loved. Still im afraid to be loved. Feels like my head going to explode. This is too much.
'Shin, spell your mantra.'
'Patience, Courage, Grateful.'
'And now, have a good sleep, Shin.'
The doctor gives me sedative. Or something. Once again, im petrified.

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