Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Sweet ends when bitter starts

I was scrolling my path timeline while lying sick in my bed. Last updates said 'lots of chocolate, lots of chocolate'. Christmas chocolate and new year chocolate. I ate like nonstop! Munching while working. Happy end year!

But, love too much will hurt much too. As soon as 2015 begins, i got sore throat. Thought it was mediocre i ignore it. Ate everything i want. Turn out, it was tonsillitis and while yesterday i had ate much, for this last seven days, i barely eating.

It's awfull. How it's hard to shallow even only pure water, and my tounge got stomatitis all over its edge. I ve been crying a lot. Said 'why me, god? what ve i done? please stop this. forgive me. what sins got this pay off?'

I went to three different doctor. Mum treat me like baby. I couldnt eat save for porridge. I hate porridge, and now it's the only thing i could eat.

My mind wandering. My tounge, did i use it to hurt people with my words? Oh yes. I love mocking people, show them what a funny person they are. And my diet, maybe because i often had leftover. Never care if i finish my food or not, if i dont like it, then i wont finish it. If im too sad to eat, then i wont finish it.

Is that why i pay those attitude this way? On a late night, when i tired crying, i put word in my arm: patience. I never have that, seems god wants me to learn it. Oh god, my time is limited, patience is luxury.

So be it, you ve start your new year with fireworks, i started it with drugs work. Cant wait to get well, to back to fucking living, to earn fucking money -to living, (crap i swear again, hope my thumb will be okay).

Im sick being sick. And honey, how we never be grateful for something we have until it's taken away? Oh god, it's a long day in bed. Im bored.