Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 8.0

'Shin, are you okay?'
I open my eyes and see the doctor wearing worry face. I cant feel my body, only an ache in my chest.
'What happen?'
'You jump from the bridge. Almost jump, then you passed. They brought you here and called me.'
'Im sorry.'
'Are you okay?'
'Im not okay. Im sorry. I tried to kill myself.'
'Seriously, Shin.'
'Something i havent told you, doc. I ve been tried to avoid razor, knife, bridge, highway traffic and medicines. All kind of way i can kill myself with. Im sorry, i lost control this afternoon.'
I feel so tired, now i can see my legs trembling. My mind's blank. I can remember how hard i tried to keep moving, and how miserable i wanna jump into highway traffic.
'Did i jumped?'
'No, you're collapse at the edge of the bridge. Shin, im so scared when got a phone call about you. You need to talk to your friends and family about your condition.'
'I cant. I wont be a cheerfull talk. Hello, i have tendencies to kill myself, will you look after me?'
'Tell them the truth. Everything. Your family at least.'
'I cant. It will makes them unhappy. Knowledge is burden. This, they dont know how to handle.'
'You dont have to be alone, Shin.'
'Yet i am alone. Thank you for coming for me, doc.'
'Why would you jump, Shin? What happen?'
What happen is i am tired. I keep imaging cutting my wrist. I imaging jump from the bridge into the highway traffic. I struggle to that everyday. Nobody would miss me. I am alone, am i?