Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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Midnight Doctor 7.0

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'Ve been shopping hard?' looking at my shopping bags, the doctor teases me. I cant even produce a smile. I sat at my very familiar chair, put all my gadgets inside my bag and sigh.
I have a lot in my head. Words are banging my brain's wall, searching their way out to my mouth.
'This, is not me.' i gesture to all shopping bag. 'I tried to stop me, but i failed, beside, i need them.'
'Ah, manic attack? And now you're feeling down?'
'Money cant buy happiness. Even you're a good shopper.'
'How's your feeling.'
'Drained, lost, never feeling right. Maybe i should just die. Nobody care about me. Maybe it's doesnt matter whether i exist or not. Noone ever gonna looking for me. I wanna cut my wrist.'
'Shin...' the words are lost. The doctor knows, im saying it just because im sick. 'Shin, what happen?'
I cry instead. 'Nobody cares' I say. And cry again.
'Maybe you need some sleep.'
'My sleep's troubled. I keep waking in odd times, unable to shut my eyes again until dawn.
'Im tired with living and i got noone to watch my back. Im struggling alone. Im lost, im lost. And nobody cares.'
'By nobody, who's exactly you'd expect?'
'People who once need my help. People who i put first before mine. People who without asking it, i'll be there for them.'
'Have you ever ask them?'
'I can tell whenever they're in difficult times. Why cant they do the same to me?'
'Because they got their own life, Shin.'
'And i dont?'
'Do you?'
'Well, i always thinking, if i help them, they ought to help me. I know i never been on anyone priority, it's sad.
'I always left behind, unless they need me. I dont wanna to be on the first list, i just wanna be on the list. That, i never be.'
'Do anyone upsets you?'
'Yes. And it's hard to always bear a mending heart. It always goes to shattered. Life's suck. But why mine?'