Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 7.0

'Ve been shopping hard?' looking at my shopping bags, the doctor teases me. I cant even produce a smile. I sat at my very familiar chair, put all my gadgets inside my bag and sigh.
I have a lot in my head. Words are banging my brain's wall, searching their way out to my mouth.
'This, is not me.' i gesture to all shopping bag. 'I tried to stop me, but i failed, beside, i need them.'
'Ah, manic attack? And now you're feeling down?'
'Money cant buy happiness. Even you're a good shopper.'
'How's your feeling.'
'Drained, lost, never feeling right. Maybe i should just die. Nobody care about me. Maybe it's doesnt matter whether i exist or not. Noone ever gonna looking for me. I wanna cut my wrist.'
'Shin...' the words are lost. The doctor knows, im saying it just because im sick. 'Shin, what happen?'
I cry instead. 'Nobody cares' I say. And cry again.
'Maybe you need some sleep.'
'My sleep's troubled. I keep waking in odd times, unable to shut my eyes again until dawn.
'Im tired with living and i got noone to watch my back. Im struggling alone. Im lost, im lost. And nobody cares.'
'By nobody, who's exactly you'd expect?'
'People who once need my help. People who i put first before mine. People who without asking it, i'll be there for them.'
'Have you ever ask them?'
'I can tell whenever they're in difficult times. Why cant they do the same to me?'
'Because they got their own life, Shin.'
'And i dont?'
'Do you?'
'Well, i always thinking, if i help them, they ought to help me. I know i never been on anyone priority, it's sad.
'I always left behind, unless they need me. I dont wanna to be on the first list, i just wanna be on the list. That, i never be.'
'Do anyone upsets you?'
'Yes. And it's hard to always bear a mending heart. It always goes to shattered. Life's suck. But why mine?'