Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 4.0

'Hey doc, am i broken? I've cry a lot.'
'No, you're not. This is the other phase of your bi. You feeling tired, tears keep coming, and the thought, it's back, isnt?'
'Yes. Doc, why am i like this? Am i eat something wrong? Am i being cursed?'
'Dear, Shin. Dont look down on yourself. You're a lovely, cheerfull person. What you've got is temporary. And we both know you're tough.'
'I've been like this for ages. Im tired. One time i spend too much money, chasing some guys, another time im tired, cry whenever i awake, even imagine to cut my vein.'
'If only you want to take medicine...'
'Never. I dont trust it. What i have cant be solve with any drugs. It's a whole me is wrong. And the only medicine is that i have to vanish.'
'Shin! You change nothing with vanishing.'
'But one thing for sure, doc. I cant get hurt if im not exist.
'Doc, if i ended up cut my vein, would God forgive me? If turns out im not tough enough to live life, would God understand?'
'Shin, you're unwell. Please take your medicine and rest a bit. I promise you, you'll be alright.'
'I dont need medicine, doc. I dont wanna lose my control. Medicine will make me fall a sleep.'
This time, i talk a lot. I cant even remember what im talking about. That doctor gives me something and i feel misty clouding in my head.