Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 2.0

The doctor laughs when i say: 'i think i'm in love'.
'Shin, you're in love like breathing. So easy and free. That's not love. That's your head playing your hormon and your judgement. Remember, you're on manic phase.' That's right.
'But then, how can i know if that's love or mind game?' I frown.
'When you're in love, you're not thinking. You feel it. Beside, you make things inside your head that's not healthy.'
I sigh. So is not only difficult for me to find the guy i can freely in love for. Now i have to work things to know whether that's love or one of manic episode. I remember at the beginning of this year i thought im in love with two guys at the time. Turns out, the manic's gone and i dont even think about them anymore. Still they're very talented and inspiring.
'Shin, you have to be careful. For in your manic episode you might have strong desire to involve in sex and since you're a naive, you could misundrestand that and called it love. No, you're not in love.
'Beside, you have this tendecies to mislead between admiring to love. Yes, you're admiring their talent, their strong will, their normal family, and your manic head told you it's love. Judging from your hot head, you might run to those boys and told them that you're in love with them. No, you're not.'
Im quite when the doctor talk long.
'How's your sleep lately?'
'Not much. Still awake until midnight but my head's clear. I dont see so called vision or something that boiled my head or turn it off.'
'What about 'the thought'? It's coming again?'
'Yeah, like two days ago, i've thought about that again. You know that i wont really hurt myself. But having that thought, still make me guilty. How can i despise live.'
'You stop taking your medicine, right? So you should eat and sleep properly. About the love things, you might enjoy it as far as you could. As far as it wont hurt you or ruining your future.'
The doctor waiting for my comment but i stay silent. Things going through my brain. I have a lot to say but im going stammer if i talk about feeling. The doctor waits.
'Hey, Doc. I just wanna be happy. Is there any chance i can be normal and happy?'
'You know that already ...
'Happiness is a state of mind' we talk in rhyme. If that so, no wonder it's hard for me to be happy. My mind wasnt in a good state.