Read This When You Want To Give Up

on
 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
0

Midnight Doctor 1.0

on
'Hay, how are you? Shud regulary check on you, what's with the Instagram photos?'
The good doctor lines me at nearly midnight.
'That's just a book im reading. You see, im not always feel related to a character in books or movies. But this china rabbit resembles me.'
I talk long. Been a while i tried to skip my meeting with the doctor. Tech fails me. The doctor got me this time.
'Still about the loner stuffs?'
'Yes and all the others.'
'What's the others?'
I read that line over and over again. Not sure i need to tell that to the doctor. But the doctor would find it anyway.
'At some point, i care to myself way too much. That i dont need others to take care of me.'
'Ah... But actually you need them?'
'Like the china rabbit, i got some people that care of me. Yes, im taking them for granted.'
'Are you crying?'
'No, why? Did your eyes full with tears?'
'Hahaha no. It just i would love to see you cry. To show that it's okay to be weak sometimes.'
'Hey, doctor, do you have life to live on other than bashing your patient?'
'Nah, dont be rude. You stop coming to our session. I thought you're out of town. Then you Instagram photos just make me worry.'
'You worry nothing, doc.'
There's a time the doctor overwhelmed me.
'I dont think i deserved to be loved. Im a total mess.'
Finally i talk.
'You already knew that everybody got their own mess.'
'Here's the shrink back!'
'Hahaha things about love, it doesnt stay long. What left is commitment.'
'We both knew i had issues with commitment.'
Seems like the doctor wants to talk long. While i dont. I promised wud show up to our next meeting.
The things about being loved is i never know when the lovers will stop loving me. Meanwhile, i'll always in love. Even when the lovers gone, my love stays. And send a gazzilion questions. What if.
I envy the china rabbit, who's finally open his heart and embrace to be loved. I keep my glass heart in a steel safe. I forgot where the key is. The glass heart stay safety, nothing can hurt the glass heart. And i might forget it existence. I have no heart.