Apa Kabar, Bo?

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  Apa kabar, Bo? Kemarin saya ke Gramedia. Sanctuary saya pas jaman SD. Dulu waktu Hero Swalayan masih ada di Gatot Subroto. Biasanya saya ke sana setelah ngumpulin duit jajan seminggu dan bisa buat beli komik. Ngga seperti sekarang, dulu banyak komik yang sampul plastiknya terbuka, jadi saya puas-puasin baca sebelum akhirnya beli cuma satu.  Jaman itu majalah Bobo tidak setipis sekarang. Apalagi pas edisi khusus, tebalnya bisa ngalahin kamus. Hahaha, bercanda ya, Bo. Bobo benar-benar teman bermain dan belajar saya, ada beberapa dongeng dunia yang sampai detik ini saya masih ingat. Ada juga dongeng lokal yang jadi favorit saya. Mungkin penulis Bobo sudah lupa, ada sebuah cerpen, yang memuat cerita ibu petani yang asik bekerja hingga anaknya kelaparan. Saya ingat ada syairnya: tingting gelinting, perutku sudah genting, kelaparan mau makan. Saya kemudian meniru syair tersebut dan dimarahin Mama. Beliau bilang, ngga pantas didenger orang. Oh ya, Bo. Mama adalah orang yang berjasa...
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Midnight Doctor 0.0

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'So you decide to come again?' the good doctor asks me. I nod. He tells me to sit. 'why?'

'I wanna die. Again. I feel so sad and lonely, even books and music can't help me. I wanna cry but i dont wanna cry. Cry is for the weak. Im not weak. Am i? If im not, why i feel this feeling over and over again?'

'When did you feel sad?'

'Right now? This morning? Last night? Yesterday? I cant remember. Yesterday i was pissed off by my friends. Our meetings never been priorities for them. It's always me who came up with ideas, proposals, schedules, i took them wherever they want, whenever they want. But they cant come on time. Never. Sometimes without further info, they just didnt show up. I feel like they have no respect for me. What am i? You dont treat your friends like that. At least im not.

'And i cant eat. Everytime im sad, i just stop eating. That's make me sad and hungry. But i think that's how my body coping. Because if i dont have enough energy, i might not try to really hurt myself.'

'But you did hurt yourself...'

'I knew. I should eat something. But i hate eat alone. Hell i hate loneliness. I just act i dont.'

'Why?'

'Im alone am i? I should embrace it. The only thing i have. Myself alone. Fuck with people, friend and family. They never care. Never seek me when i stop showing. Never ask me things i always ask them. Hell with them. I always alone. Dont care if i hate it, im alone.'

'You are alone because you wont trust your friend and family.'

'How could i? My friends might think im their personal event organizer. My family might think it's better when im not around. I dont have a place. Couldnt fit anywhere. I wanna go, but i love my life here.'

'How can you love it here if you're alone and outcast yourself?'

'I enjoy my job. Internet helps me cope. I love empty street at night. I need 24 hours convenience store. I just embrace my loneliness.'

'Then what's with the fuss?'

'I hate that i have this feeling, this thought to die. To kill myself. It makes me sick. Maybe it's my head. Maybe it's my heart. Maybe im weak and lost. I dont know. You are the doctor, you figure out.'

'Maybe you need someone you can talk to?'

'Doh. People will judge me. Some of them would tell me to pray and be closer to god. Some of them would just skip the topic. Please, they always thought i have a good life. Dream job, confident, and free. They dont wanna hear me whining about that. And for fuck's sake they would encourage me to show some gratitude. To see others who poor and unfortunate.

'This aint about others. This is about me! And im not okay. I just pretended to be okay. Because nobody wanna be the one who comfort me. They cant comfort me.'

I feel rage and hold tears. The good doctor stay in silent.

'I dont wanna be alone. I need someone who tell me im gonna be okay. That i dont have to face the world alone. That i have people who will take care of me.

'Im tired like hell. I've been used and being lied. Im broken inside out. And i hate people as much as i hate myself. I want this to stop.'