Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Midnight Doctor 0.0

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'So you decide to come again?' the good doctor asks me. I nod. He tells me to sit. 'why?'

'I wanna die. Again. I feel so sad and lonely, even books and music can't help me. I wanna cry but i dont wanna cry. Cry is for the weak. Im not weak. Am i? If im not, why i feel this feeling over and over again?'

'When did you feel sad?'

'Right now? This morning? Last night? Yesterday? I cant remember. Yesterday i was pissed off by my friends. Our meetings never been priorities for them. It's always me who came up with ideas, proposals, schedules, i took them wherever they want, whenever they want. But they cant come on time. Never. Sometimes without further info, they just didnt show up. I feel like they have no respect for me. What am i? You dont treat your friends like that. At least im not.

'And i cant eat. Everytime im sad, i just stop eating. That's make me sad and hungry. But i think that's how my body coping. Because if i dont have enough energy, i might not try to really hurt myself.'

'But you did hurt yourself...'

'I knew. I should eat something. But i hate eat alone. Hell i hate loneliness. I just act i dont.'

'Why?'

'Im alone am i? I should embrace it. The only thing i have. Myself alone. Fuck with people, friend and family. They never care. Never seek me when i stop showing. Never ask me things i always ask them. Hell with them. I always alone. Dont care if i hate it, im alone.'

'You are alone because you wont trust your friend and family.'

'How could i? My friends might think im their personal event organizer. My family might think it's better when im not around. I dont have a place. Couldnt fit anywhere. I wanna go, but i love my life here.'

'How can you love it here if you're alone and outcast yourself?'

'I enjoy my job. Internet helps me cope. I love empty street at night. I need 24 hours convenience store. I just embrace my loneliness.'

'Then what's with the fuss?'

'I hate that i have this feeling, this thought to die. To kill myself. It makes me sick. Maybe it's my head. Maybe it's my heart. Maybe im weak and lost. I dont know. You are the doctor, you figure out.'

'Maybe you need someone you can talk to?'

'Doh. People will judge me. Some of them would tell me to pray and be closer to god. Some of them would just skip the topic. Please, they always thought i have a good life. Dream job, confident, and free. They dont wanna hear me whining about that. And for fuck's sake they would encourage me to show some gratitude. To see others who poor and unfortunate.

'This aint about others. This is about me! And im not okay. I just pretended to be okay. Because nobody wanna be the one who comfort me. They cant comfort me.'

I feel rage and hold tears. The good doctor stay in silent.

'I dont wanna be alone. I need someone who tell me im gonna be okay. That i dont have to face the world alone. That i have people who will take care of me.

'Im tired like hell. I've been used and being lied. Im broken inside out. And i hate people as much as i hate myself. I want this to stop.'