Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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JRL 2013 - Suicidal Tendencies

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hellow Nico Santora
Tunggu, kenapa foto Suicidal Tendencies cuma dua? Begini ceritanya. Jadi tuh gue nggak tau ini band kayak apa. Dengan belagunya, gue gak masuk media pit. Melainkan diri di depan pager pembatas depan panggung. Nggak tau juga sih kenapa. Oh, mungkin karena gue pake lensa 50mm dan media pit rasanya terlalu dekat ke panggung.

Lalu ngobrol dengan seorang mas-mas.
S: Suka banget sama ST, mas?
M: Wuih saya dateng ke sini karena mereka mbak.
S: Ooh, udah berapa lama nunggu? (nunggu yg dimaksud adalah berdiri di depan panggung Indosat main stage)
M: Udah dua puluh tahun! (berkata dengan mantap)

Setelah kumandang lagu Indonesia Raya yang tetap diteriakan Endonesa Raya, si drummer ST masuk panggung. Jejeritan gila-gilaan cowok-cowok dewasa menggelegar di belakang gue. Gue kalem. Mike Muir masuk, Nico Santora beraksi dengan gitarnya (cuma ini yang gue tunggu-tunggu sejak preskon), dorongan dari penonton belakang melesakan gue mepet ke pager pembatas. Sekali, dua kali, berkali-kali. gue menyelamatkan kamera dengan memasukkannya ke media pit. Dan menggapai-gapai mas-mas sekuriti. "MAS, TOLONG GUE HAMPIR MATI!"

Dengan sigap mas sekuriti membuat ruang antara gue dan gerombolan wall of death. Mampus, namanya aja bikin gue ngeri dan memikirkan kecenderungan bunuh diri. Mas sekuriti masih jagain gue sampe Mike Muir berhenti nyanyi untuk berdialog dengan fansnya yang sudah menunggu selama dua puluh tahun. Diam-diam (sambil mengumpat) gue menerobos meninggalkan kerumunan wall of death.