Read This When You Want To Give Up

on
 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
0

Two

on
So, i started today -or yesterday i must say- with ease. Got a food photo session, and a gig. Not to mention scumbag client (almost) ruin my day.
So it was rain. And blackout. And couple of good songs from taxi driver's cd.
Night fall.
Found out one fact holds me from sleep.
One message without a reply.
One mr.fake stealing my sleep.
One night i thought it would be good.
He still gets me. No place to hide.
Still no reply.
Phone calls wont do.
I need to sleep. Few hours from now another photo session waiting.
To be done.
Those men take my sleep away. Keep an answer for my question.
I should think just a little. Or my brain will got a cancer.
But i'll wait for an answer. I'll keep my eyes wider.
Those answer wont come in one, two, three days. Nor in one, two, three weeks.
Get over it, i shall.
Can i? I must.
I should have some sleep. Tomorrow -or this morning- might be good.
Even i wont get an answer. Nor an explaination.
Only a silent reminds.
Tear me and him apart.
Like a time and how i couldnt use it well.
Like a shadow i couldnt run from.
Sir and sir, you two always make me feel worthless.
I adore you two, still. You guys are brilliant.
Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10