Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #15

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Belakangan hujan terus turun. Hati saya terus pedih.
Saya pernah patah hati, menangis hingga airmata habis.
Bertanya kenapa, bagaimana, apa yang salah.
Kemarin saya pikir saya patah hati.

Iya, saya menangis hingga airmata habis.
Iya, saya bergelung dalam selimut menahan dada yang semakin sesak.
Lalu sudah. Saya melanjutkan hidup.
Karena seperti yang ia bilang, saya tidak cinta padanya.

Saya tidak melakukan apapun untuknya.
Ia tidak melakukan apapun untuk saya.
Saya hanya mementingkan hati saya.
Ia hanya mementingkan apa yang membuatnya nyaman.

Kami hanya kebetulan bersama.
Dan memutuskan membuat sedikit kenang-kenangan.
Ia mungkin menambah guratan luka dalam hati saya.
Saya tidak bisa melakukan hal yang sama.

Saya terluka karena saya peduli.
Saya tidak bisa pura-pura ia peduli.
Maka begitu hujan menghilang, saya akan menutup kisah tentangnya.
People grow apart, feeling change, memory fade away. We all together alone.

Tuan, dont turn your back on me.