Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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lluvia #11

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Aku masih di sini.
Masih dalam diam menatapmu.
Karena kata tak lagi berarti.
Karena korteks otak perlahan mati.

Aku masih menangis sendiri.
Meratapi pilu ketika kamu berkali kali pergi.
Karena aku tau takkan pernah ada lain kali.
Tak peduli meski kita belum mati.


Ada awan mendung menggantung.
Namun tetesan hujan tak kunjung menyentuh bumi.
Ingatkah kamu pada ku, tuan?
Ku bertanya walau tau apa jawabnya.
Aku masih gadis yang sama yang dipandang hina.
Karena mencintaimu tanpa rahasia.


Aku tidak hilang, tuan.
Meski hujan belum lagi turun.
Langit selalu gelap, tiap kali aku tersilap.
Merindui mu, memutar kenangan akan mu.


Pergi. Ucap mu.
Bagaimana mungkin, tuan?
Kamu tak pernah menempatkan ku di sisi mu.
Bagaimana lagi aku hendak pergi?
Aku tak pernah berada di sana sejak pertama.


Ingatkah kamu pada ku, tuan?
Saat langit menggelap.
Saat titik pertama hujan menyentuh tanah.
Saat diam diam aku menyapa:
'apa kabar? selamat malam.'

Aku rindu.

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