Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #4

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Gadis itu menunggu hujan. Menunggu kenangan akan lelakinya datang membanjiri otak.
Ia berkata: aku bisa mendengarnya dengan telinga tertutup. Aku bisa melihatnya walau mata terpejam.
Namun ia tidak melihatku. Atau siapapun yang datang menawarkan hati padanya. Begitulah nasib ku. Dan orang sebelum ku, dan sebelumnya lagi. Gadis itu hanya berkata: tinggallah di sini. Namun istananya penuh nama lelaki itu.
Pada akhirnya, siapa pun yang datang akan meninggalkannya sendiri. Begitu pun aku.
Semoga hujan lekas datang, dan gadis itu dapat bersua dengan kenangannya. Hanya kenangannya.


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