Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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Stay True

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Aslinya, gue gak bisa minum kopi. Begitu minum, langsung semaleman gak bisa tidur. Pas lagi bengong-bengong, ada temen yang BBm. Percakapan dini hari pun terjadi lewat smartphone.
Semua berawal dari quotes-quotes yang sering gue jadiin default picture. Salah satunya bertuliskan "always tell the truth". Temen gue ini nanya 'emangnya lo selalu bisa jujur yah, Shin?'. Gue jawab 'yah, nggak tau, sih. Gue selama ini selalu bilang semua apa adanya. Tapi kadang gue membiarkan aja sangkaan orang. Pokoknya kalo ditanya, gue jawab apa adanya.'
Lama BBm gue tercentang R, si temen bales lagi: 'gue takut dibenci kalau gue jujur.'
Kata-kata ini bikin gue teringat dialog komik. Tentang cewek yang selalu memendam pikiran dan perasaannya karena takut dibenci. Takut menyakiti orang lain. Pas gue baca itu komik, satu pikiran terlintas: kalau bohong, bukannya bakal lebih dibenci? Bakal lebih nyakitin orang? Buktinya klo ketauan bohong langsung dicap Pembohong. Dan nggak ada tuh kisah orang jujur berakhir tragis. (Sepanjang sejarah gue jadi pembaca yah)
Gue jawab hal yang sama ke temen gue: 'justru, gue berkata apa adanya karena gue nggak mau dibenci. Karena gue juga ingin orang melakukan hal yang sama terhadap gue.'
'Kalau setelah gue bilang hal yang sebenarnya, gue malah dibenci, yaudah.'
'Kalau white lie?' Lanjut si temen. Seems like she didn't want to share her story. Just release some thought that bothered her mind. So I never ask her 'what's going on?'
'Ibaratnya gini,' gue mulai mengetik, 'kita lagi belanja bareng. Lo ngambil baju, dan nanya ke gue: "Shin, ini bagus gak?" Jawaban apa yang lo harapkan dr gue? Yang sejujurnya atau yang bikin lo seneng?'
'Yang sejujurnya.' She replied.
'Biar pun itu bikin lo gak seneng? Trus jadi males belanja bareng gue lagi?'
'Yaah, tapi kan, gue juga akan mempertimbangkan pendapat lo, Shin. Nggak terima begitu aja.'
'Nah!! Itulah. Kalo gue bilang hal yang bikin lo seneng, lo juga pasti ngerasa gue cuma basa basi aja. And I don't like sugar coating anything.'
Udah jam 1 pagi pas dia mulai mengetik balasan. 'Btw, lo kok nggak nanya kenapa gue nanya2 ini?'
Saat itu juga, gue jawab: 'karena, kalau lo mau cerita, lo pasti cerita :)'
Dia nggak bales lagi. Biarpun belum ngantuk, gue kudu berusaha tidur. Jadi gue kirim quotes ke dia entah dari film apa (iyaaa, gue emang maniak quotes): "Letting someone believe something's true when it's not is just as much a lie as a lie is."

Cheers,
Shinta. I'm still try to stay true too.

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