Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Can you help me I'm bent?

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Jaman sering nongkrongin MTv Fanatic, gue suka gak percaya kalau para fans bilang ‘your songs make me stay alive’. Berlebihan menurut gue. Pun demikian, gue punya beberapa lagu yang jadi soundtrack hidup gue. Dari sekian banyak itu, satu-satunya band yang gue puja sampe beli beberapa albumnya adalah Matchbox Twenty.
Awalnya gue ngeliat video klip Bent, di MTv, gue langsung suka sama gaya rambutnya Rob Thomas. Trus gue pantengin deh itu video, gue dengerin kata per kata. Back then, I was junior high school student. Akses informasi gue cuma tivi dan majalah. Untungnya, biar sempet disebut one hits wonder, banyak juga majalah yang bahas Matchbox Twenty ini. Apalagi pas Rob Thomas masuk sexy man alive versi majalah manaaa, gitu.
Gue beli-lah kaset Mad Season, yang memuat lagu Bent, tadi. Gue pelajari liriknya. Dan gue nangis. Well, my life is hard from beginning. Ngebaca lirik lagu-lagunya Matchbox Twenty, gue ngerasa related. Sejak itu, tiap kali life throws me hard time, gue pasang headphone dan muter lagu-lagu Matchbox Twenty.
Hari ini, seharian gue dengerin lagu-lagu mereka. Pelan-pelan, mood gue membaik. Setelah Bent, favorite gue adalah Unwell dan Push. Ah, gue suka semua lagunya sebenarnya. Apalagi lagu-lagu di Exile on Mainstream jadi soundtrack pas gue bikin skripsi.
Yourself or Someone Like You, 1996
Mad Season, 2002
More Than You Think You Are, 2002



Exile On Mainstream, 2007

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