Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Senja sudah berlalu lama ketika langkah-langkah kaki akhirnya memasuki rumah. Penat dan amarah yang terbawa dari jalanan Jakarta makin membuat gerah. Kulit legam menghitam. Mata memerah.

Ada perempuan yang terlupa menjalani hidupnya. Ia tenggelam terlarut dalam kenikmatan kerja. Yang semu dan membuat jenuh. Ia tidak lagi tertawa. Lama sejak ia berhenti tersenyum. Hatinya tiada. Hampa.

Malam kelam menaunginya saat ia teringat. Kemana jerit kesenangan, kemana kawan seperjuangan. Hilang. Semua berbeda arah. Ia menatap wajahnya kalah.

Ia menjelajah isi dunia. Berusaha mengecap tiap rasa. Percuma. Percuma. Sudah tidak bersisa. Ia menari, menggila, meronta, hingga lelah. Tidak ada yang berubah.

Ada seorang perempuan yang terlupa menjalani hidupnya. Ketika yang dicari hanya permata. Ketika teman tak membuat nyaman. Ketika cinta membuatnya muntah.

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