Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

lluvia #11

Aku masih di sini.
Masih dalam diam menatapmu.
Karena kata tak lagi berarti.
Karena korteks otak perlahan mati.

Aku masih menangis sendiri.
Meratapi pilu ketika kamu berkali kali pergi.
Karena aku tau takkan pernah ada lain kali.
Tak peduli meski kita belum mati.


Ada awan mendung menggantung.
Namun tetesan hujan tak kunjung menyentuh bumi.
Ingatkah kamu pada ku, tuan?
Ku bertanya walau tau apa jawabnya.
Aku masih gadis yang sama yang dipandang hina.
Karena mencintaimu tanpa rahasia.


Aku tidak hilang, tuan.
Meski hujan belum lagi turun.
Langit selalu gelap, tiap kali aku tersilap.
Merindui mu, memutar kenangan akan mu.


Pergi. Ucap mu.
Bagaimana mungkin, tuan?
Kamu tak pernah menempatkan ku di sisi mu.
Bagaimana lagi aku hendak pergi?
Aku tak pernah berada di sana sejak pertama.


Ingatkah kamu pada ku, tuan?
Saat langit menggelap.
Saat titik pertama hujan menyentuh tanah.
Saat diam diam aku menyapa:
'apa kabar? selamat malam.'

Aku rindu.

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