Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Late night sad story

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Pas lagi cari parkiran di eX sebelum Love Garage tadi, ada nomor Esia sms gue: kmana kah dirimu?

Secara gue lagi janjian ma temen gue, itu sms pun gue bales: lg nyari parkiran. Lo dimana?

Nggak lama, ada balesan lagi: w di hatimu.

Nah, gue tau klo yang ngirim sms ini bukan orang dalam dugaan gue. Berselang 2 menit, nomor yang sama ngirim sms galau lagi. 2 sms galau. Terakhir, dia sms: dtg y pas nikahan w.

Gue sih nggak begitu penasaran. Feeling gue bilang, ini nomor my first bf. My high school bf. Old flame. Tapi pas dia sms gitu, gue langsung nelepon. Nada panggil terdengar berulang-ulang. Nggak ada jawaban.

Ya udah lah yaaa. Gue pun asik nontonin Agrikulture. Sumpah gue suka abis sama vokalisnya. Udah kagak ngeh dah tuh gue, ma tuh sms.

Begitu sampe rumah, bersih-bersih, makan minum, eh si Samsung getar-getar lagi. Ada sms masuk. Masih dari nomor Esia yang sama. Kali ini smsnya lebih panjang. Segala berpuisi soal kesalahan apa yang dia bikin hingga kami berpisah.

Well, my old flame, kesalahan lo cuma satu. Lo bilang dengan lantang ke gue: 'gue nggak pernah sholat, shin'. Don't u know it was break my heart?

Gue bales: mau nikah kok gundah? Banyak berdoa aja.

Belum sempet naruh si Samsung udah ada balesan: w mau nikah, tapi cuma sama lw.

Bla bla bla... Sampe dia cerita kalau nyokapnya udah meninggal. Gue lumayan kenal deket sama Ibu. Si Ibu seneng banget kalau gue main ke rumahnya. Sayang banget dia sama gue. Hiks, sedih. Lalu, gue jadi kepengen berada di samping my old flame ini. Membesarkan hatinya. Menunjukkan kalau masih ada gue yang peduli sama dia.

Tapi, gue nggak bisa melakukan itu. Our time was over. I can't be there for u. I can't hold u whenever u lost ur track. Dalam masa depan saya, kamu nggak ada. Saya hanya akan bilang, selamanya, kamu bagian istimewa dalam hidup saya.

Semoga bahagia.

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