Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Midnight Doctor 6.0

'Why are you here if you don't wanna talk?'
The doctor wakes me from my deep zoned out.
'I don't know, doc. I'm a total mess. Never get anything right.'
Silence again.
'Shin, why did you came to me in the first place?'
'To figure out why am i the way i am.'
'And then?'
'To fix it.'
'Do you already figures it?'
'A little.'
'Then do you still have questions?'
'What are they?'
'I ... I don't know. I dont feel like talking.'
'Okay, i'll wait.'
Tick tock tick tock. Clock's sound makes me uneasy.
'Doc, will there's someone who loves me?
'I mean, i look around, and friends are grown up, settle down, have a kids, make a little family. And look at me, im alone, overwork, underpaid, sleep with gadgets and hungry stomach, unhappy, lost.
'When will i have my happily ever after?'
'Nah, Shin...'
'Doc, please don't start with patience.'
'No, i wasnt. What i try to said was never belittled yourself. Shin, you've been unfair with yourself, you never let yourself to be happy, to enjoy moments like most people do...'
'Can't help it, my brain's damage, remember?'
'Always cynical. Have you ever done something to makes someone loves you?'
Im stoned.
'No, doc. I push people away.'
'Im afraid of being hurt. Like i was before.'
'Since when you had that wory?'
'Since a guy broke up with me. I never fully recovered.'
'And what did you do with all guys you think you're in love with?'
'Told them that i in love with them. If they want me, they can have it. If they dont, i never want them that long anyway.'
'And they're went away.'
'Did you actually love them?'
'No. I think im not capable for such feeling. Im not good enough for anyone.'
'What's lead that thinking?'
'Im not smart, not good looking, have no talent, bla bla bla, sort of. Im not what men looking when they're look at a woman.'
'Assumption, i see...'
'No, that's facts.'
'Shin, first thing to be accept by others, you have to accept yourself too. Nobody want to share their life with one who always unhappy about themself. So tell me, why you always push yourself away?'
That's a question i havent an answer. Yet.