Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Days in Jogja - Time Travel


Udah menjelang magrib dan Benteng Vredeburg sudah selesai beroperasi. Gue memuaskan diri motoin Monumen Serangan 1 Maret dan gedung BNI berlatar langit merah. Maklum di Jakarta jarang liat langit walaupun langit menaungi setiap saat. Itulah sebabnya gue suka moto langit di luar Jakarta. Tetap mengikuti arah keramaian, gue berjalan ke alun-alun utara tanpa tau itu adalah alun-alun utara. Arena permainan di Pasar Sekaten yang kebetulan lagi digelar menarik perhatian gue. Terakhir kali jaman esde gue mendatangi pasar malam rakyat macam ini. Sisanya, gue merasa didnt fit in.

Nggak berubah, dari dulu pun jenis permainan yang dinaungi Diana Ria Enterprise ini menampilkan permainan yang sama. Ada rumah hantu yang bau pesing, tong maut dengan desingan suara motor plus bau bensin serta ayunan ombak yang menarik perhatian gue. Sebenernya bukan si wahana yang menarik, tapi atraksi akrobatik yang dilakukan oleh sindang-sindang ketika mengaktifkan permainan tersebut. Setelah tiga putaran hanya nonton, di putaran selanjutnya gue memutuskan ikut naik.


 

Gue bertanya-tanya, mereka ini, umurnya pasti nggak jauh dari gue. Sejak umur berapa mereka mempelajari atraksi ini? Bagaimana proses rekrutmen mereka? Lalu, bagaimana hidup meereka kalau tiap malam harus forsir energi seperti itu? Daftar pertanyaan ini bertambah panjang begitu gue merasa they really enjoy their job. Ikut berjoget di sela-sela lagu yang nyampahin telinga gue, saling bercanda, tertawa, menggoda, rasanya hampir dua tahun lalu gue bisa into pekerjaan gue dan melakukannya sambil tersenyum. Kenapa mereka tampak bahagia dan bangga dengan pekerjaan mereka?