Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Days in Jogja - The Sky Above The Fort

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Gue disarankan menyewa motor untuk keliling Jogja. Despite gue gak punya SIM, gue gak tau jalan juga. Ditambah lagi keluar Malioboro langsung macet gitu, huh, makasih deh. Sepanjang bisa ditempuh dengan kaki, gue bakal jalan kaki! Begitulah, check out dari penginapan jam 6.30, gue makan gudeg telor untuk mengganjal perut. Diteruskan menyambangi Benteng Vredeburg yang kemarin gak sempet dilihat karena udah tutup. Pagi itu gue jadi pelanggan pertama yang beli tiket. Nggak ada guide, gue cuma dikasih unjuk ruangan diorama 1 & diorama 2. Saat ini museun sedang dalam perbaikan dan karenanya banyak ruang pertunjukkan ditutup untuk umum. Bahkan di diorama 1&2 nggak ada ACnya. Lama gue terpaku di depan tiap diorama, ada perasaan bergetar dan bangga mengingat sejarah kemerdekaan bangsa. Ada sesuatu yang hangat dan syahdu, gue selalu suka sejarah terbentuknya NKRI. Jaman SMP dulu, gue bahkan sempat bertanya pada guru: 'akankah Soedirman jadi presiden jika ia tidak meninggal karena malaria?' tidak ada jawabannya.