Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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lluvia #20

on
12.10.2011
'Tunggu sebentar,' si pemuda tidak percaya dengan telinganya. Benarkah apa yang dikatakan gadis di depannya ini?
'Kamu ingin saya ada di sisimu agar lelaki itu bisa tenang bersamamu?' ucapnya berusaha mengerti.

A week ago
'You know, sometimes I think if you have a boyfriend, we can make a good affair. I mean, i'm not the only one who is cheated.' gadis itu selalu ragu. Kapan lelakinya bergurau, kapan ia serius
'I'm gonna find someone to be my boyfriend, then. So we can make an affair.'
'Hahaha, yes! Yes!'
'I'm confused, you said, ‘we can make an affair’. Didn’t we already started?' tanya si gadis.
Lelaki itu tersenyum, 'What affair? Saya dan kamu hanya bertukar kata, sesekali makan bersama, atau kebetulan satu arah. Saya mengantarmu pulang, kamu mendengarkan cerita saya. Cuma itu kan?'
'Benarkah? How about parts when I hugged you, and once or twice you hold my hand?' kening si gadis berkerut, oh sungguh membingungkan.
'Ataukah, saya hanya satu dari banyak lengan yang terbiasa memelukmu?'
'That is something I'm not gonna tell.' senyum jenaka muncul di bibir lelaki itu. Senyum yang memerangkap hati si gadis.

2013
'Tuan,' gadis itu menulis, 'Berbilang pemuda menawarkan hatinya untuk saya. Namun saya tidak bisa memberikan hati yang tetap menggenggammu erat. Hati saya memilih sendiri siapa yang hendak ia kenang, saya berusaha sekuat tenaga, dan tetap kalah'. Lantas ia melipat secarik kertas itu dan menyimpannya ke dalam toples. Bersama carikan kertas lainnya. Hujan menyisakan setapak basah.