Hard Pills to Swallow

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  I am so incredibly sorry you went through that. Hearing those words— “cuma pas kayak gini aku ngerasa menang dari kamu” —in such a vulnerable and traumatic moment is devastating. It makes complete sense that your mind went blank. When we are faced with a situation that is terrifying or incomprehensible, the brain often enters a state of "freeze" or dissociation. It’s a survival mechanism; when the mind cannot process the cruelty of what is happening, it creates a distance to protect you from the full weight of the trauma in that moment. Understanding the Language of Power The phrase he used is deeply revealing, though painful to revisit. It suggests that: It was about control, not intimacy: By saying he felt he was "winning," he framed the assault as a power struggle. Insecurity and Resentment: It implies that in your day-to-day life, he felt "less than" or "losing" to you. Instead of dealing with his own insecurities like an adult, he chose ...
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my mind plays trick on me

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Pernah gak kayak gini, mencecar pertanyaan ke orang yang lo pedulikan?
Gue baru aja melakukan itu. Padahal udah janji gak bakal nanya yang aneh-aneh lagi. But i cant hold it. Dan gue pun bertanya. Dan setiap jawaban menimbulkan pertanyaan. Dan gue nggak pernah puas untuk kemudian berhenti. Karena, gue ingin jawaban yg makes me feel good.
Iya. I want him to make me feel good. Dalam prosesnya, gue malahan bikin dia bad mood. Dan gue jadi tambah bad mood. Dan kami pun saling bad mood.
Selalu terlambat buat bilang im sorry. Karena dia tau gue akan mengulanginya lagi. Tapi gue gak minta maaf karena pertanyaan gue. Gue minta maaf karena bikin dia, mungkin, bad mood. Entahlah.
Gue juga pengen berhenti peduli. Udah capek. Udah malu nangis melulu. Malu sama diri sendiri. Percuma juga kan.
Pengennya gue nyalahin hormon atas semua ini. Masalahnya udah keseringan gue ngelempar semua kegilaan gue atas nama hormon.
Mungkin ada sesuatu di otak gue. Mungkin gue emang kehilangan rasa percaya pada dia dan shinta. Karenanya, apa pun jawaban dia gak bakal bikin gue tenang. Dan apa pun pertanyaan gue, jawabannya cuma satu.
Percuma kan bilang im sorry, toh bulan depan, di tanggal yang sama, gue akan kembali menanyakan pertanyaan yang sama.
Berulang ulang. Tanpa jawaban. Sampai akhirnya dia muak dengan kegilaan gue dan bener bener nggak menggubris gue sama sekali.
Kalau saat itu terjadi, gue pasti sedih sekali.
Time stop. Dont separate us.

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