Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Birthday Boy

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Last night, this boy pick me up from office and take me to dinner. Then, we went to my home. The story ends here. I thought.

Pagi ini, encing-encing (betawi's way to call aunties) lagi ngerubutin tukang sayur. Ini biasa. Sampai gue keluar rumah dan mereka manggil gue.

'Shin, yang semalem, pacar?' Tanya encing pertama.
'Beda lagi sama yang kemaren dateng?' Ujar encing kedua.

Gue cuma nyengir. 'Bukan pacar.' Jawab gue. 'Yang kemarinan juga bukan pacar.' Gue tambahin lagi. Harusnya encing-encing tau gue gak mau memperpanjang pembicaraan ini. But, they keep talking.

What happen with private life people? Yeah, once I read this in some books: in small neighbourhood, ur business is everyone business. Konsep yang aneh.

I life in secrecy. U don't need to know, I don't want u to know. Why don't u stay with ur business and give no fuck about mine?

Anw, happy birthday. Wish u get much fun in ur life.

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