Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Sepenggal cerita di ujung hari

Sungguh, gue pernah nggak peduli pada tidur dan ngantuk.
Sungguh, gue selalu merasa ngantuk tepat pukul 9 malam. Lalu dengan mudah terlelap.
Sungguh, gue bisa tidur dimana aja dalam keadaan apa aja.
Sungguh, gue selalu terbangun dengan rasa puas dan badan segar.
Tapi itu dulu.
Dulu.
Udah lama, banget.
Sekarang, gue belum ngantuk.
Seharian gue melanglang buana, nempel sana nempel sini. Capek.
Namun saat ini, mata gue menyalang, menatapi layar kecil dalam genggaman.
Otak gue selalu awas, kalau-kalau ada bintik merah kecil di kanan atas yang berkedip-kedip.
Jantung gue berdebar demikian cepat dan tidak teratur.
Sungguh, dulu gue bisa tidur saat gue mau tidur.
Sekarang, gue harus merayu tidur.
Sekarang, betapa gue merasakan nikmatnya kalau kita ngantuk di waktu yang tepat.

Zzz,
Shinta. Nubie insomniac

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