Read This When You Want To Give Up

on
 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #20

on
12.10.2011
'Tunggu sebentar,' si pemuda tidak percaya dengan telinganya. Benarkah apa yang dikatakan gadis di depannya ini?
'Kamu ingin saya ada di sisimu agar lelaki itu bisa tenang bersamamu?' ucapnya berusaha mengerti.

A week ago
'You know, sometimes I think if you have a boyfriend, we can make a good affair. I mean, i'm not the only one who is cheated.' gadis itu selalu ragu. Kapan lelakinya bergurau, kapan ia serius
'I'm gonna find someone to be my boyfriend, then. So we can make an affair.'
'Hahaha, yes! Yes!'
'I'm confused, you said, ‘we can make an affair’. Didn’t we already started?' tanya si gadis.
Lelaki itu tersenyum, 'What affair? Saya dan kamu hanya bertukar kata, sesekali makan bersama, atau kebetulan satu arah. Saya mengantarmu pulang, kamu mendengarkan cerita saya. Cuma itu kan?'
'Benarkah? How about parts when I hugged you, and once or twice you hold my hand?' kening si gadis berkerut, oh sungguh membingungkan.
'Ataukah, saya hanya satu dari banyak lengan yang terbiasa memelukmu?'
'That is something I'm not gonna tell.' senyum jenaka muncul di bibir lelaki itu. Senyum yang memerangkap hati si gadis.

2013
'Tuan,' gadis itu menulis, 'Berbilang pemuda menawarkan hatinya untuk saya. Namun saya tidak bisa memberikan hati yang tetap menggenggammu erat. Hati saya memilih sendiri siapa yang hendak ia kenang, saya berusaha sekuat tenaga, dan tetap kalah'. Lantas ia melipat secarik kertas itu dan menyimpannya ke dalam toples. Bersama carikan kertas lainnya. Hujan menyisakan setapak basah.